And it’s so easy to think that last year I did nothing.

I got backed up, shifted gears, and took detours I thought would serve me better but didn’t. What should have taken me two hours has taken me ten and on top of all that, I’m still driving; the road I’ve taken is the road less paved and I don’t know where to go, what to do, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other, anyway.

And when I reflect on what separates me from last year, I ultimately land on the difference in my mindset. I used to think that if I just followed the person in front of me, somehow, I’d get to where I needed to go and if you asked me why, the answer was always simple: they looked like they knew where they were going. But something I’ve learned this past year is that life is not a one-way street and wherever it is that everyone else is going is not necessarily the same place you belong, too. I’ve realized that they’re going in that direction because that’s where their dream is— not mine — and that’s been my problem for as long as I can remember. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot leech off someone else’s dream for the sake of my own.

And to be honest, that’s a really hard reality to face; to not have a dream but desperately want one and it doesn’t matter how much money you have, that’s just not something all the money in the world can buy. I mean where do you even begin? Where do dreams come from? What really are they? How do you just one day decide you want something so badly that you’ll pay the price no matter the cost? Where do you develop such deep resolve? How do you know what’s worth fighting for? Suffering for?

I haven’t had a dream in so long that I convinced myself it just meant I was growing up and being a dreamer just wasn’t a look I could afford to wear anymore. And so, I compensated by tailgating behind all the traffic, lane-swapping whenever there was an opening, and taking every exit I could just to see what was out there. And every time I was met with nothing. There was nothing there for me. I think that’s when I realized that it doesn’t matter where you go, if you don’t solve your problems exactly where you are, all you’ll do is take them with you and then nothing will change. And no one can shield you from that.

And you know where my problems were?
In the dirt.

Not on pretty paved roads with traffic lights and pedestrians;
the dirt.

A place where no one could see me except God Himself. In the past, I’d find myself speeding with impatience; always certain I knew where I was going. It’d never take me long before I was back in the car because just when I thought I was there, I always seemed to be an exit or two short. But by then, I had lost all hope, I’d get back in my car, and drive home.

Last year was different.

I took detours on dirt roads, and the difference was I went in with no expectations, no pressure, and no rush. I slowed down and realized life’s a drive and some places I’ve always planned to go are places I may never be and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing; it’s something I’ve decided.

And the beautiful thing is, I can change my mind later. The important thing is that I tried and that’s more than the past couple years could say.

So, it’s easy to think that last year, I did nothing.
But last year, I was getting familiar with the road.

This road doesn’t neglect its potholes, it confronts them. And yeah, maybe that slows down the process a little, but on this road, the details matter. That’s what creates the view and after learning how to fill in the holes, I can’t imagine building life another way.

It’s the process, it’s the planning, it’s the view.

What about you? What’s your view like?

Does it need construction?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.