Tag: coming of age

Mei, & The Fight for Later.

May 31st, 2026

Death is for the dead; life is for the living.

I’ve spent a long time wondering how a person could be so content maintaining a seemingly dead-end job, but after some investigation, the truth I would come to realize would completely change the way I viewed my life.

And it was so simple, too. So simple that looking back now, I don’t know how I could have possibly missed it. I mean, I must have unconsciously committed to ignoring it every time it stared me in the face because it was so obvious, so present, so loud, so real.

Where I saw a dead-end, they saw opportunity.

The thought alone makes me grieve all the years I lost denying myself opportunities just because I was afraid they wouldn’t be worth the time.

Rather than believing the concept that you could let time itself run free, have it look back at you and realize you’re exactly where it wants to be, I forced it close and I’ve been waking up on the wrong side of the bed ever since. I couldn’t imagine a world where letting time run free could benefit me; that instead of running away from me, it would run back towards me, as if I were the environment its wanted all along.

There’s this saying: if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.

Well, I couldn’t let it go.

I was so stuck on the thought that time is always running, ticking and chipping away at every piece of my life until I no longer own a second to my name; the thought of death paralyzed me so much that I became obsessive over time and nothing was valuable enough to spend precious seconds on. I let myself be a jack of many trades and a master of none and guess what,

Time ran
anyway.

The thought that time could walk never crossed my mind. That it could slow down, and one way I could make that happen was by simply living life by the day.

Not by focusing on the future, what I want it to look like, and forcing the present to be better than what it is, but by loving the present for what it is and allowing time to do the rest.

I’ve had time chained to the wall for as long as I can remember, like a seed forced into a pot of soil and held at gunpoint with a threat that said no water until you grow.

So much potential in a single seed, yet so mismanaged, so wasted, by the likes of a greedy gardener.

Boxed in and suffocated, I imagine time wept for me. It wept because the thing I didn’t realize and the thing only time could tell, was that I was both the seed and the gardener; the crime and the punishment.

As we live, only time knows where we’re headed. And the only way we’ll ever achieve that kind of awareness is by living ourselves to the extent that time allows us.

But instead of choosing to live, I allowed death to inherit my body and fear to manipulate my freedom of choice.

I wanted opportunity to come to me, like I was entitled to it. As if it were a basic human right, and even worse, that I deserved it. How selfish and rude; small and immature. It’s taken 26 years to understand the beauty of growing on purpose, enjoying life by the day, and choosing to start now; to be messy for the sake of living.

Life doesn’t work the way I thought it did and truth be told, I like that it doesn’t; I’ve never grown so much in a single year as I have this past one and the difference was I went out and chased it. I chased time through the meadows and under the roots of the trees, I counted to ten and searched for it in a game of hide and seek and in the mess of it all, we became friends.

I didn’t realize how much I loved making messes. Disorganized chaos in the form of new beginnings. Splashing paint, spreading glue, hoping to create something so beautiful and new but the beauty of it all is that it’ll never be as beautiful as the time I spent in the act of the art. In fact, the art doesn’t do the act justice; the art will always be closer to death than the act will ever be because once the act is finished, once everything’s all said and done, the art is nothing but a memory on a shelf filled with preservatives to extend its expiration date.

It’s the act that slows down time.
It’s the act that can make time last forever.

I can’t unsee it, I can’t unfeel it, so now all that’s left to do is go out there and be it.

Life was never about the future, it was only about the day.
And that’s the opportunity I’ve decided to take.

What about you? What’s your relationship with time?

How are you living? Where are you living?
Are you living in the present, past, or future?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.
Mei, & The View.

May 17th, 2026

And it’s so easy to think that last year I did nothing.

I got backed up, shifted gears, and took detours I thought would serve me better but didn’t. What should have taken me two hours has taken me ten and on top of all that, I’m still driving; the road I’ve taken is the road less paved and I don’t know where to go, what to do, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other, anyway.

And when I reflect on what separates me from last year, I ultimately land on the difference in my mindset. I used to think that if I just followed the person in front of me, somehow, I’d get to where I needed to go and if you asked me why, the answer was always simple: they looked like they knew where they were going. But something I’ve learned this past year is that life is not a one-way street and wherever it is that everyone else is going is not necessarily the same place you belong, too. I’ve realized that they’re going in that direction because that’s where their dream is— not mine — and that’s been my problem for as long as I can remember. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot leech off someone else’s dream for the sake of my own.

And to be honest, that’s a really hard reality to face; to not have a dream but desperately want one and it doesn’t matter how much money you have, that’s just not something all the money in the world can buy. I mean where do you even begin? Where do dreams come from? What really are they? How do you just one day decide you want something so badly that you’ll pay the price no matter the cost? Where do you develop such deep resolve? How do you know what’s worth fighting for? Suffering for?

I haven’t had a dream in so long that I convinced myself it just meant I was growing up and being a dreamer just wasn’t a look I could afford to wear anymore. And so, I compensated by tailgating behind all the traffic, lane-swapping whenever there was an opening, and taking every exit I could just to see what was out there. And every time I was met with nothing. There was nothing there for me. I think that’s when I realized that it doesn’t matter where you go, if you don’t solve your problems exactly where you are, all you’ll do is take them with you and then nothing will change. And no one can shield you from that.

And you know where my problems were?
In the dirt.

Not on pretty paved roads with traffic lights and pedestrians;
the dirt.

A place where no one could see me except God Himself. In the past, I’d find myself speeding with impatience; always certain I knew where I was going. It’d never take me long before I was back in the car because just when I thought I was there, I always seemed to be an exit or two short. But by then, I had lost all hope, I’d get back in my car, and drive home.

Last year was different.

I took detours on dirt roads, and the difference was I went in with no expectations, no pressure, and no rush. I slowed down and realized life’s a drive and some places I’ve always planned to go are places I may never be and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing; it’s something I’ve decided.

And the beautiful thing is, I can change my mind later. The important thing is that I tried and that’s more than the past couple years could say.

So, it’s easy to think that last year, I did nothing.
But last year, I was getting familiar with the road.

This road doesn’t neglect its potholes, it confronts them. And yeah, maybe that slows down the process a little, but on this road, the details matter. That’s what creates the view and after learning how to fill in the holes, I can’t imagine building life another way.

It’s the process, it’s the planning, it’s the view.

What about you? What’s your view like?

Does it need construction?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.
Chapter Ten: Fäire

March 2nd, 2026

“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 19:24

***

I get this sort of pain in my throat every time this verse comes to pass. It’s as if all the air in my lungs release to the point that my body becomes so small, smaller than it’s ever been, and then it’ll just stay there; in child’s pose, waiting for whoever was there to leave the room.

And it’s in that moment when I realize,
that’s my body telling me it feels shame.

And it makes me so sad to feel like I’m watching myself in third person, because I find myself practically drowning in empathy, just for my heart to sink at the realization that I’m not the bystander, I’m not the witness, I am this.

I’m not the jury, I’m the victim.

And as I write this, I’m winded, my breath — nonexistent.

It’s the pain of holding back tears that are strong enough to break a damn, the pain of pretending that everything’s okay because for some reason, it’s more important to me that everyone thinks I’m fine instead of knowing the truth because the truth is, and it’s a pain to know, that deep down, I’m way richer than I say I am — and that’s what’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of God.
***
“Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. When the young man heard this, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. “
Matthew 19:21-23

On my knees, I fold. My heart tussles with the flesh; my mind falls down to it — like a beggar. We don’t need it [possessions], my lord, it cries. Surely, we could do without. But then I get whiplashed with craving, with urge, and somehow in the mix of it all, my lungs sneak in enough air to last me until the next time Matthew 19:24 decides to make an appearance.

It covers up the pain, it covers up the problem, and God’s Heavenly Kingdom.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and [flesh].”
Matthew 6:24

It’s the flesh, for me. I’m not rich in money, I’m rich in flesh — and it’s the flesh that’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of heaven.

I’m ashamed to love the flesh, the reward of the flesh, and how immediate it is; how its currency is so accessible that it’s overflowing — a land of its own milk and honey.

I’m hopeless. I can’t rub my eyes hard enough to see through this tunnel of darkness. They never tell you this is what faith feels like. To fall down on your knees, bow your head, and truly mean it when you say, “Lord, have mercy on me.” How broken you can feel and how desperate you can be; there are nights when you can’t sleep and days when you can’t breathe.

But this shame is meant to tell you
that the beauty of feeling this way is that
it means you care what God thinks of you.

And why would someone care about God if He wasn’t real?
It’s because you believe that He is.

And I hope this gives you clarity like it does for me, because it means the hiding can finally be over; I don’t have to hide anymore, because I can’t. I can’t hide from God.

“…even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”
Psalm 139:12

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.
Luke 8:17

No one can make you change, but if you truly loved someone, you would. You would stop what’s hurting them and spend your days wondering what would make their better. Their problems would be yours and their goals would be too. When you love someone, your life stops being all about you and more about others. You find compassion, you find patience, and you find grace; add in forgiveness and that sums up the Lord Himself.

And just when I thought this post would be a bottomless sob fest, there’s light at the end of the tunnel after all. Kind of makes you wonder if that’s the whole purpose; to know more, to love more, to change for, to live for.

And Lord, you’re worth living for.
You’re worth changing for.
I surrender.

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13 ESV

I was rich in flesh before, but I won’t be anymore.
in Your name, I pray,
Amen.
Jöölai, & The Will to Surrender

July 14th, 2025

Bumper sticker: Life doesn’t happen for you — it happens to you.

There’s a saying at my work and it goes a little something like this: control your controllables. This line gets tossed around a lot because — and just like in life — there’s a lot of things you can’t control; however, if you can manage to master the things you can, you’ll have better ground when it comes to tackling the things you can’t. At work this means acknowledging the fact that we can’t control what people buy, but we can control what they see, and that can influence what gets put in their cart, so we adapt.

Just like any store, you’re not going to be able to miss the chocolate-covered strawberries for Valentine’s Day because it’ll always be right in front of you; the same way burgers and chips get pushed for Independence Day, skeletons for Halloween, and turkey for Thanksgiving. It’s all there, whether or not you choose to take it. It’s there, and that’s what we like to call, a controlled environment.

You can drive sales and project profit, but you can’t force the money nor the people who decide to step through the door. That fate is beyond our control.

Kinda like the phases of the menstrual cycle. You can tend to the bleeding and even pretend it’s not there, something for some reason the rest of the world expects us ladies to do — but the reality is, the blood is just the tip of the iceberg. So much more goes on during this phase than most people realize. It’s not just a matter of containing the flow, your body is acting on its own, haven’t you ever wondered why?

Well, prepare to learn anyway.

Let’s get one thing straight. This is biology. This is hormones. This is…
The Menstruation Phase.

Let’s begin.

Phase One of the Menstrual Cycle is called the menstruation phase, and it occurs when the presence of pregnancy is deemed nonexistent and so, the uterus begins to shed its lining (you know, the layer of tissue that fertilized eggs attach to as a resting place to grow). Without a fertilized egg, there’s no use for that kind of tissue, and so the body gets rid of it, but just like when any of us peel back skin, the result is usually you’re going to bleed, and so we do. Now, some of us bleed for 3 days, others for 5, but the reality is each body is different, and the phase itself is only as uniform as its constructive goal — to shed the lining. And that, is phase one —BUT wait, there’s more.

During this process, we experience a drop in hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and serotonin. Now, estrogen is the hormone responsible for building the lining that’s meant to sustain the life of the fertilized egg, so no pregnancy means no need for the uterine lining which means no need for a surplus of estrogen. Makes sense, but here’s the catch, estrogen also influences our serotonin levels (the “feel-good” hormone), so when estrogen drops, so does serotonin — which explains why we often feel more irritable, sad, or even more sensitive during this phase of the cycle. Not to mention that the blood loss alone is what makes us feel so fatigued and the reason behind this is the fact that when we bleed, we lose what is called iron.

Iron aids in a plethora of different tasks within the body. For instance, it helps carry oxygen throughout the blood and so without enough iron, cells don’t get enough oxygen, and ATP (Adenosine Triphosphate) can’t be produced. ATP is our body’s energy currency, and cells need oxygen to produce our energy, so to put it simply,

low iron = low oxygen = low ATP = low energy = ): waaaah

Suffice to say, whether we want to admit it or not, this change in our body affects us. Progesterone is responsible for our calm state of mind, so when that hormone drops, we experience moodiness, irritability, even anxiety. And that uterine lining that sheds? Remember how I mentioned the peeling back of the skin? Well, the lining doesn’t just fall off on its own and we bleed as a result. No, it sheds by means of contractions — something we recognize as cramps. Yaaaaaaaay……

You know, I find it interesting how I’ve gone the last decade of my life just plugging holes in my body instead of wrapping my head around the concept that’s behind all the bleeding. I’ve always centered my cycle around shame and have always tried to hide it the best that I could, but the problem is, the thing I’m ultimately trying to hide from is, myself.

My body. I’ll say things like, “No, I’m not moody,” or I’ll spend more hours sleeping than anything else, and then I’ll complain about feeling bloated but pretend not to know why — I mean, it’s right there, at my fingertips; an opportunity to create a controlled environment, yet I’m fighting it. Why?

The truth is, I don’t like how my biology affects me. I don’t like waking up and wanting to go back to bed. I don’t like how everything I eat during this phase makes me feel ten pounds heavier than I actually am. I don’t like how I know I’m capable of running but somehow can’t bring myself to do it. And I especially don’t like that this phase that’s only supposed to last for 5 days actually takes weeks to recover from and before I know it — I’m there, again.

I don’t like it, so I think I can run from it, but I can’t. I can’t run from myself; I just have to figure out what it means to be myself.

Okay, so during my period I’m slow and less energized, so what? What do I do with that? How do I capitalize? How can I adapt and make it so that I no longer pretend to be caught off guard by this slowdown that literally happens every single month — like I know it’s there, I know it’s coming.

It came, and it went. And here we are, but it’s not over. Now, I’m knee deep into the Follicular Phase, and after that, it’ll be Ovulation, and then Luteal — but I’ll save those phases for later.

The point is, after all that, I’ll bleed, again.

You can’t hide from your body. It’s your vessel. It’s working for you — doing things you can’t do even if you tried to. It’s your body.

And you know, so much of life revolves around the desire of wanting to know who we are, but isn’t this a part of it?

This is who I am. I get tired and I slow down, but that doesn’t have to mean I stop. I just have to learn how to move, even if just an inch further, and accept that progress is progress.

I’ve made Tomiee Cruise out to be this unstoppable woman, I mean, on point 24/7. But that’s not realistic. It can’t be, because I can’t be — I need to change the narrative and redefine what being on point means.

So now being on point means being on track — to wherever it is I’m going.

It means moving, even if just an inch further, in the right direction. It means knowing how to aid in my slowdown, for the sake of my stamina, and surrendering to the things that are out of my control while doing my part to adapt to the things that are.

And it’s not going to happen overnight. It’ll take months, maybe even a year, because I only get one shot at tackling each phase roughly every 28 days.

But that’s okay. I’ll keep moving, because even if life only happens to me and not for me, I can be the thing that happens for life, and I can only imagine how it feels to summit that mountain.

People do it, can you?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.
Chapter Three: Jöölai.

July 9th, 2025

If you keep ignoring the source of a problem, then you’ll always pretend to wonder where exactly its coming from.

Jöölai — you sly dog, how dare you start without me. I had plans, posts to write, and now the timing’s all wrong.

I practically missed the end of Jöön, the beginning of Jöölai, and Tom Cruise’s birthday on the 3rd. I mean, we’re already a week into this new month and I still have yet to welcome it.

So, what gives? Have I lost my stamina? The ability to push through hardships? Am I no longer a resource for wisdom or revelation? Is my battery dead? Is my blog going to die? Will everything I’ve done so far just be—

for nothing?

I don’t know. I didn’t go to the gym last week. Haven’t stepped foot inside this week, either. Don’t know if I’m going tomorrow — definitely don’t see myself going today. Where’s my inner Tom Cruise; Tomiee, where you at? — I mean, I have no idea what’s going on.

… Or maybe I do.

Here’s the thing, I am not Tom Cruise. I can’t fly a plane, I don’t speak ten languages, and I sure as hell can’t hold my breath for six and a half minutes under water.

I’ m not Tom Cruise.

But then again — Tom Cruise is not a woman, and I’m not saying women can’t do what Tom Cruise does, I’m just saying there are some things we have to learn how to do differently. I mean, look, I’m not trying to be Tom Cruise, I’m trying to be Tomiee, but there’s a subtle difference between Tom and Tomiee you could completely miss if you’re not paying close enough attention.

A period.

Tom doesn’t have a menstrual cycle, at least, not one that I know of.

Gaawhh, gross. Somebody — change the subject, please — come on, hurry! Ew ew ew.

But I can’t, it’s time I rewrote the narrative and finally acknowledged the source of something that’s been holding me back for so long.

You see, the problem is not the period; I bleed, so what? The problem has always been coming to terms with the genetic makeup of the period and adapting my life to make space for something that is simply out of my control.

What do I mean by this? Well, do you remember that rant I just went on? The paragraphs filled with worry and self-doubt — wondering if all is lost with no means to recover? That, my friends, is the product of the Luteal Phase, aka something we all know as, PMS. I’ve always rejected it because I hate that line…Is it that time of the month for you? No! No — yes… NO! … Ugh… just say it…

Yes. Yes, it is.

What we don’t realize, is that this phase can be up to TWO. WEEKS. LONG. I’ll get into the biology of that later but y’all… PMS for two weeks and bleeding for one? Come on! That doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for greatness.

… Or does it?

The thing is — nobody. talks. about it.

It’s not just the Menstrual Phase — it’s the Luteal Phase, the Follicular Phase, and the Ovulation Phase — that’s what makes up what we like to call, the Menstrual Cycle. There’s more than just one layer to it. Our hormonal system goes through a 28-day cycle while male hormone regulation only takes 24 hours; this isn’t a competition, but they get to experience the highs with the lows every single day while our lows and our highs get drawn out over the course of days.

Talk about a dramatic entrance for Jöölai, but that’s what this month’s about — not breaking down barriers, but learning to work around them, with them, for them.

And so, maybe this chapter is for the women — I know, I know, but it matters. Though, whether or not you bleed once a month, I’m sure there’s something we can all take away from this and that’s to accept the things that appear small and miniscule — whatever the case may be — but are actually roadblocks to achieving a greater sense of understanding who we are.

So, grab a pad — I mean pen — and let’s get started.

Cheers,
B.
Jöön, Productivity & My Intention to Grow.

June 6th, 2025
“Productivity without purpose is just busyness.”

Truth be told, at the moment I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to begin this blog post because I genuinely don’t know what I want out of it. I know I want to be productive, but how can I tell when I’m actually being productive or if I’m just being busy?

What’s my why? What do I want? What is it that I’m looking for?

In asking these questions, I’ve compiled a list of the things I’d like to do with my time and ideally by the time Mei comes back around next year, I will have achieved at least… some of them.

And I know what you’re thinking, that just by using the word some implies I’m already playing it safe so that at the end of the day I can say at least I tried, but I mean, shouldn’t I try to be realistic? Or is that sentence alone setting me up for failure? I’ll admit, I’m afraid of daring to dream because on one hand, I know myself and how lazy I can be, but on the other, I know I have the potential and the will to experience life in a more deliberate way; plus, with 365 days a year, 24 hours per day, how could that possibly not be enough time to attempt all the things I’d like to see through? So I asked myself, what would Tomiee Cruise do?

And I guess there’s only one true way to handle this situation… tap into that reward system!

Insert a mischievous smirk.

“By completing this project, I’ll give myself permission to…” *Insert a celebratory dinner, or maybe something from my wish list (but it has to be useful, something I’ll actually use — something that represents me —and aid in one of my four target categories that I’m looking to enhance this year on the blog).

or

“If I see this through, I’ll reward myself with…”

*Insert a trip… to Italy* Ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming.

What, too childish? For what it’s worth, I promise to make the prizes both obtainable and well-earned. That said, I should probably compile a whole thought-out victory blueprint so on the off chance I actually do succeed in whatever it is I’m tackling, I’ll know exactly what comes next and how to celebrate. Take the trip to Italy, for instance. How long should I stay? When will I go? Once I touchdown, what will I do? I’ll need a whole itinerary mapped out—one that makes the journey feel just as intentional as the destination—because a victory that big deserves a celebration just as grand. Of course, at the end of the day, the goal itself is already worth the fight. I just need a little extra push to step beyond the comfort of complacency and into the version of myself I know I’m fully capable of becoming.

I mean it though about that trip to Italy; Eliseo, husband, are you listening? Of course, this reward would only be assigned to the most difficult, most unlikely task to ever be completed or kept up with. Can anyone guess what that task could possibly be?

Okay, pause. For the record, if you manage to get this answer right, it’s only because you truly know me and if so, I both hate you and love you. Because the truth isn’t pretty and I rarely finish what I start.

So, the answer to the question is… this blog.

This idea. This concept of a dream. This real-time account of growth and change. This untainted, untouched, unaltered version of myself I hope to emerge out from underneath the shadows.

It’s scary and the stakes are high. But if I manage to stay true to this blog and consistently post (at least 2x/week) for a YEAR – all while being intentional in all categories that make up this blog (weight, stimulation, productivity, and finance); i.e. the shopping ban, developing real saving habits, the cultivation of a better community that both nurtures and stimulates me, and the maintenance of healthier habits – including daily activity and mindful food choices .

The problem is there’s so much I want to do and despite me just starting out, I already feel so deeply behind. It’s hard for me to believe I’ll be able to manage getting all these things done, but I think that’s what makes using the reward system so endearing. Because at the end of it all, though I hope it won’t actually be the end, not only will I have improved my life in such a significant way, but I’ll get to celebrate by stepping outside of the country for the very first time!

Sounds Tomiee Cruise to me. Bup-bup-bup — Tomiee Cruise.

Tomiee Cruise.

So here they are: my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations.
Little things that would genuinely make me happy to do:
1. I want to dance again, and I especially want to learn the choreography to the scene in Better Man that absolutely EXPLODES to the song, Rock DJ. However, if I manage to get out at least once a month and strut my stuff, I’m sure that would suffice.
2. I want to score a position in the Supervisor in Training program (SIT) at my work. I feel like once I do that, opportunities will start coming at me every which way and I’ll finally get to be involved in the way we raise our next generation leaders.
3. I want to learn the ASL version of a song I really like — the song Feel, from Better Man. In case you haven’t guessed it already, I really, really like the movie Better Man.
4. I want to post consistently on this blog (say, 2-3 times a week), sharing insight into my shopping ban, my savings venture, my commitment to a more energized and mindful lifestyle, and my pursuit of a community that regularly stimulates and supports me. This is easily going to be the most challenging for me as I’ve mentioned before, but I truly believe it’ll serve to be the most beneficial.
5. I would like to be more intentional with the way I speak Spanish; I’m tired of learning it, I just want to speak it already, but I know there’s more work to be done on my end in order to live that reality, so here’s to hoping I can commit to practicing and studying more regularly.
6. I want to improve my vocals for the purpose of sharing my music. I can hear the voice of my soul telling me to get out more, but I’ve never been confident in my ability to sing. I know everyone has an audience and mine is out there, just waiting for me to get over this hurdle and step outside my comfort zone. So, I think I’d like to look into getting vocal lessons — just like the way Tom Cruise did for his film, Rock of Ages… Oh, Tommy. Swoon.
7. Then, I want to gather the courage to perform at a karaoke night, open mic night, or perhaps even a poetry night. And of course, if I like it, I would like to implement these events more regularly into my life (doesn’t have to be daily, maybe not even weekly, but often enough to where I can say, “Yeah! I do that.”). I want to be part of the scene.
8. I want to go on more hikes that include the green side of nature and at the same time, I’d like to practice the art of stillness. I want to acknowledge everything within arm’s reach and that takes time; I want to breathe in the air, feel its molecules enter my lungs and stare at the little details in the trees, the rocks, and the water. I want to just, be.
9. I want to travel more, and I’d like to find more opportunities to be independent because therein lies self-discovery and I’d like to make it a point to know who I am.
10. And lastly — for now — I want to run a half-marathon. I always pride myself on my stamina, but I’ve never ran for that long before. So, before this first year on the blog is up, I will.
Personal Check-In: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy?

God knows I could keep going. In fact, something I’ve been struggling with this week is the balance between starting up the brain and turning it off; like I said earlier, I’m already overwhelmed with all the avenues and rabbit holes I’ve allowed myself to go down and fall into throughout the making of this blog. So much to do, but how to do it? What to tackle first and for how long. Should I set dates? How do I manage it all?

Questions I still don’t know all the answers to, but here’s how I’ve been starting.

Road Map to Productivity:

The Forest App: Focus for Productivity. An app that allows you to stay focused with a forest-growing take on the Pomodoro Technique (a practice of breaking work down into 25-minute intervals). This app keeps me off my phone and challenges me to remain consistent with my work.

Routine, and a Daily Tracker Checklist — A typical day for me now looks like this:
- Wake up at 6 a.m. and prepare my son to go to school and I to the gym.
- Gym, 30 minutes minimum. Some days, basketball, others running, perhaps one day a class, but on average, I tend to spend an hour participating in activity.
- Home, shower, eat, breathe.
- 1-2 hours of intentional blogging, content creation, or reading
- Work (≈6-8 hrs)
- Home, shower, eat
- Tuck my son into bed
- 1-2 hours of intentional activity: reading, blogging, content creation
- Bed by 10 p.m.
This routine has been essential for me as I take a major step back from being overly consumed by television. However, here are some tactics I will be utilizing going forward, along with the strategies I’ve been implementing so far.

1. Use the “Core Four” Method (Body, Mind, Heart, Pocket)
I’ll ask myself things like:

What can I do today that supports my health (Body)?
What will challenge or stimulate my thoughts (Mind)?
How can I build stronger relationships (Heart)?
What helps me secure my future (Pocket)?

2. Create Non-Negotiables

Choose 1 thing per category each week to commit to doing no matter what.
Everything else is flexible.

For example:

Body Go to the gym 5x/week minimum
Mind Read 10-20 pages of a book daily
Heart Call one friend or go to a social event
Pocket Continue shopping ban

Everything else I do in those areas can be flexible or spontaneous, but those four actions will act as my anchors — keeping me grounded and steadily moving forward in the right direction.

3. Track What Moves Me Forward

If it’s not leading toward my growth, aka the list of aspirations I composed earlier in this post, I need to ask myself why it’s on my plate. This will keep me accountable and ensure I’m being productive and not just ‘busy’.

So that’s where I’m starting. Not with perfection, but with purpose. This blog isn’t just a place for me to track my progress — it’s a safe space where I’ll get to process all the avenues embedded in my mind, to push myself, and to play. I’m not expecting every goal to be met right away, but I am committing to showing up, documenting the growth, the grind, and everything else in-between. If you’re reading this, maybe you’re on a similar journey — or maybe you’re just curious. Either way, thanks for being here.

Here’s to showing up, starting messy, and seeing it through.
— B.
Jöön, & The Two-Way Street.

June 3rd, 2025
“Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl.”
— This Means War, 2012

Movies often tell us to make a pros and cons list when picking a partner, but what about making that list when it comes to picking our friends? It seems like a lot of people going through similar growth journeys end up coming to the same realization — people you choose to spend your time with can directly affect the nature of your environment.

If we’re looking for a space free from toxicity, then why do we often hang around the people who constantly nit-pick and judge others? At what point do we check-in with ourselves and evaluate such a prominent and ground-breaking question, how do our friends truly make us feel? What do they leave us with, when all is said and done? A feeling of peace and serenity? Or a taste no matter how much you brush your teeth right after, you can’t get rid of?

I get the feeling of not wanting to be alone, but why is it such a common tendency for us to want to be in the midst of a crowd yet allow ourselves to feel so lonely? Why do we constantly endure such a strange reality? I mean, how could we let this feeling become so popular? Surely, being alone can’t be that bad, right? Well, at the end of the day, I’d vouch to say it all just depends on where a person is at in their particular stage of life, but maybe that’s what makes the epiphany to change so sweet.

We all know hanging around the right people would make us feel better, but we ignore that fact until one day it just…hits. It becomes so clear and taking that first step back from the people who no longer serve us becomes a little easier. But having that initial pros and cons list is what helps us realize our ideal environment and what our needs are in any nurturing relationship.

However, no village can thrive if the road only runs one way — it takes two. So, something I’m learning as I write is to put my words into action and hold myself accountable to the same standard. Sure, research is nice and having what seems to be all the answers to my lingering questions is nicer, but what does it actually do for my life if I’m not implementing them?

Therefore, I’ve already expressed my desire for better friendships, but in doing research on what makes a good friend, I realized that as much as I point the finger on what my own friend group lacks, what am I actually doing to be a better friend myself? For instance, if I were to be confronted by one of my friends who thought I was being inconsiderate due to the audacity I’d have to describe them as lacking in drive or ambition and they were to ask me what I’m personally doing to be considered as driven or ambitious, what would I say as my answer? What am I actually doing? How can I feed and nourish my friends the same way I would like to be fed and nourished? Am I living by example? Am I leading by example? Am I encouraging them to be real go-getters and try new things? Am I showing up and being consistent when they need me to? How many calls have I allowed to go to voicemail? How many “I’m okay’s” have I let slide? Do I make my friends feel safe? Can they take a deep breath and exhale comfortably around me? What am I actually doing for them?

My head is spinning. The concept that I’m not meeting the standard makes me toss and turn in my sleep. Why haven’t I ever asked these questions before? And how can I checkmark all the boxes going forward? Why all of a sudden does it feel like I’ve only been thinking about myself?

Well, there’s only one thing left to do:

Take accountability.

And just like that, my goal to cultivate stimulating relationships just became a two-way street.
How to Be a Good Friend
1. Listen — Who knew? No, but really, how? With the intention to understand, that’s how, not just to reply. What are they saying? What does this conversation mean to them? What are they looking for, advice, validation, or just an ear? Be present.
2. Hold Space Without Judgement — Allow your friends to be messy, allow them to be unsure or unsettled; allow them to be complicated while still being loved. Give them the space to breathe, make them feel comforted. Love despite convenience. This builds an invaluable form of trust no money can buy.
3. Be Consistent — Be intentional in conversations, follow through on promises and always keep your word. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
4. Put Time into the Details — Remember their birthdays, the things they’re passionate about, and important dates they’re looking forward to. Things they’d be caught off guard if you remembered because they said it in such a whisper they didn’t think anybody could hear. Be the difference between an acquaintance and a family member.
But of course, I can’t just speak for myself, so I went out and actually spoke with some of the people in my village about what they wanted in a nurturing relationship.

Here’s what they said:

1.

I think I need someone who checks-in and asks to hang out as much as I do—makes me feel wanted and thought of. People with manners (considerate of others/social awareness) and intelligence really, those who are passionate about things and motivated to learn more or be surrounded by it.

2.

“Mostly an understanding of my autism, my health, and similar expectations in how we show up for each other… [But the reality is]…it depends. I think it’s fair to say that different members of your village have different roles. [In relation to my partner], he shows up for me by leading me to better, holding me up when I’m down, and sharing endless laughter. We communicate all day long through texts, Instagram memes, or phone calls and that’s how I prefer it at the moment. I’m sure that’ll change eventually but that’s what’s comfortable now.

I can’t lie and say I don’t expect unconditional love from my siblings but that’s just the kind of relationship we’ve fostered over the years. No matter how crazy I get and how dumb I can be, they’re always there for me and I never want that to go away. We talk pretty often about the smallest dumbest things, but we also ghost each other. We definitely don’t go more than a day without some kind of communication or interaction, though. I don’t see how we could.

From you, my expectations are a little different compared to some of my other friends. You have a lot on your plate dealing with a job and a family, and I know that the weight of your trauma carries on you pretty heavily; because of this, I don’t flinch when you don’t text me back or when you cancel our plans. It’s just how it is, and I don’t mind it. As long as I know you’re alive and well, that’s what matters most to me. However, if we start to hangout less than once every two months, I would definitely be sad bwahahahaha. I’m just glad that now we’re hanging out less with a group and it’s just us these days.

But from my other friends that carry less stress, I definitely get on them a little bit more when they ghost or cancel but that’s because I know they can handle it and they think it’s funny when I’m “jealous” lol.”

3.

Reliability. Like, “Hey, I’m here for you, you’re here for me.” And obviously they need to engage, emotionally, you know? Knowing that person is there for me when I need it and we can have fun together… Not to mention the feeling that they would drop everything they’re doing just to support me; like I have a friend who told me that if I started a business, he’d be all in – like even if my business was throwing money away, he’d be all in. That feeling of unwavering support. That’s what being a good friend means to me.

4.

I personally love a friend that can call me out on actions that upset them while still understanding I’m human and encourage me to be my best self.

Someone who’s quick to listen and slow to speak, when it’s needed. And someone who shows they care about me in actions rather than in words or things; even if it’s 2 am [— doesn’t matter], I know they will show up if I need them. Someone who would get out of bed for me if it’s an emergency.

Essentially, what I need in a friend is someone who tells me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear, with love and respect always, of course. Someone who is honest, regardless of the outcome of honesty.

Someone who cares about the people I love, and that I can spend all day with, without feeling the need to always give 100% of my energy to. Someone that can just be, while I be, too.

5.

Honestly, this. Presence. Doesn’t even have to be in person – just knowing that after everything is said and done, we’re still here. There’s a sense of security in that and that’s pretty nice.

6.

It varies on the person, honestly. Enjoying their company is a huuuuuge part but making sure they compliment your company is more important to me personally.

Some people physically can’t be there when you need them to. Not because they don’t want to, though. But if I call, and you are available, and I ask for a moment of your time because I’m not doing too hot, [my expectation is that] you’re there for me.

I guess overall if you’re reliable in all aspects of my life, [then I know the friendship is good].
And though each response presented a well thought-out answer as to how I could better my approach at friendship, I wondered how I could track my progress in order to be certain I’m making a dent in becoming the kind of friend they need me to be.

Here’s how:
1. Journaling — This might be an autistic solution of mine but by keeping a small log of the times I’ve reached out to check in on a friend or the times I’ve showed up for them both physically and emotionally when it mattered the most, I can safely make the assumption that I am doing the work needed to show up for the people I care about.
2. Self-reflection — By taking a moment, whether it be after interacting with my friends or after a particular encounter, I can do a personal check-in and ask myself the following questions: Did I do what I said I would do for them? Was I being present in our conversations or was I distracted or on my phone? Was there a balance between us talking about each other’s lives or did I mainly carry the conversation by making it about myself?
3. Invite Feedback — Invite vulnerability. By asking if I’m showing up in the way they’re needing me to, I can reach a better understanding of where I’m at on the scale. Being a friend and having a friend are two different things. The same way I want the people in my corner to show up for me, the expectation is that I’m returning the favor; the truth is, everyone needs someone they can rely on.
After making the decision to cultivate a community in which I’d be emotionally nurtured and mentally stimulated, I realized that it wasn’t just good friends that I was wanted — I want to be a good friend, because that’s what makes a village.

And so, I’ll take the wheel; hold myself accountable and take the steps necessary to be the friend my friends deserve. It’s easy to want better relationships, but the real work begins when we ask ourselves how we show up, how we listen, and how we create space for others to be seen and supported. Because at the end of the day, community begins with us.

So, I invite you to reflect on your own village. In what ways could you be a better friend to those around you? And how do you create a safe space for your friends to be themselves?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.

Body	Go to the gym 5x/week minimum
Mind	Read 10-20 pages of a book daily
Heart	Call one friend or go to a social event
Pocket	Continue shopping ban