I grew up an uncomfortable kid; slow to learning, to loving — becoming.

When I look back at my life from where I am now, I struggle with the weight of each burden I forced myself as a child to carry; as a mother, I weep for the youth I’ll never get back and the possibility that my son might fall into the same fate. I mourn myself in a way I never thought I could. The memory of my brokenness remains vivid in my mind and the guilt I feel when I think about all the times I’ve purposely held myself back because I just couldn’t imagine a world where I was capable haunts me.

And of course, I’m still broken,
but at least now I have Christ.

I wish I could explain it better, but Jesus really left the 99 to find me. It’s not a normalized thing — to sacrifice yourself for the sake of another, but that’s who Jesus was. He couldn’t stand by when one of us leaves the herd because He knows our purpose even when we don’t.

To Christ, every sheep is important — a heavy burden if you ask me; to have an infinite number of things in the world and Jesus had the capacity to understand the importance of each and every one of them. Everyone has a story, everyone is unique, we are all handstitched by God from yarn He chose on purpose.

When I look at myself, I see someone who had such an unlikelihood of existing and being created anyway. And I tremble when I realize that none of this, none of what I am, is random.

God chose me to love Him. He could have literally chosen anybody else, but He put His heart in my chest. His soul in my body. He didn’t raise me in the truth but built a path for me to find it. He didn’t force me to come home but waited for me to walk there myself.

He waited on the mountain, allowed me to roam the valley, and when I came home, He gave me His blessing.

Again, Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.
John 8:12

It feels like this past year I have been working towards refining what I’m now calling volume two of The Processing Mind Blog, SoiledRoot — a cute name for what I hope will be a groundbreaking year for me in terms of experience and exploration.

The truth is, we are not born into our perfect environment, but we are given the freedom to step out and find it. I used to view myself as a seed waiting to be watered but what I didn’t realize is that it’s the soil that can keep me from growing. So, this year, I’m dedicating time (again!) to developing a sense of awareness for my environment (aka, my soil) and the role it plays in my identity and how it shapes me overall as a person. The more I understand, the better I can adjust and influence my life via the places I surround myself in, and the better I can live.

To kickstart the month of Mei and my second lap around the sun as a blogger on The Processing Mind, I’ve uploaded my very first podcast episode to my YouTube channel, soiledroot. I pinned the video to the top of this page for you to watch and enjoy and hopefully take away something that could benefit you as you continue to walk in your own life, on your own terms.

The truth is we are all seeds waiting to grow, but who ever said we couldn’t run ourselves to the water?

So, what about you? How are you blooming?

What’s in your soil?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.