“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 19:24

***

I get this sort of pain in my throat every time this verse comes to pass. It’s as if all the air in my lungs release to the point that my body becomes so small, smaller than it’s ever been, and then it’ll just stay there; in child’s pose, waiting for whoever was there to leave the room.

And it’s in that moment when I realize,
that’s my body telling me it feels shame.

And it makes me so sad to feel like I’m watching myself in third person, because I find myself practically drowning in empathy, just for my heart to sink at the realization that I’m not the bystander, I’m not the witness, I am this.

I’m not the jury, I’m the victim.

And as I write this, I’m winded, my breath — nonexistent.

It’s the pain of holding back tears that are strong enough to break a damn, the pain of pretending that everything’s okay because for some reason, it’s more important to me that everyone thinks I’m fine instead of knowing the truth because the truth is, and it’s a pain to know, that deep down, I’m way richer than I say I am — and that’s what’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of God.
***
“Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. When the young man heard this, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. “
Matthew 19:21-23

On my knees, I fold. My heart tussles with the flesh; my mind falls down to it — like a beggar. We don’t need it [possessions], my lord, it cries. Surely, we could do without. But then I get whiplashed with craving, with urge, and somehow in the mix of it all, my lungs sneak in enough air to last me until the next time Matthew 19:24 decides to make an appearance.

It covers up the pain, it covers up the problem, and God’s Heavenly Kingdom.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and [flesh].”
Matthew 6:24

It’s the flesh, for me. I’m not rich in money, I’m rich in flesh — and it’s the flesh that’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of heaven.

I’m ashamed to love the flesh, the reward of the flesh, and how immediate it is; how its currency is so accessible that it’s overflowing — a land of its own milk and honey.

I’m hopeless. I can’t rub my eyes hard enough to see through this tunnel of darkness. They never tell you this is what faith feels like. To fall down on your knees, bow your head, and truly mean it when you say, “Lord, have mercy on me.” How broken you can feel and how desperate you can be; there are nights when you can’t sleep and days when you can’t breathe.

But this shame is meant to tell you
that the beauty of feeling this way is that
it means you care what God thinks of you.

And why would someone care about God if He wasn’t real?
It’s because you believe that He is.

And I hope this gives you clarity like it does for me, because it means the hiding can finally be over; I don’t have to hide anymore, because I can’t. I can’t hide from God.

“…even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”
Psalm 139:12

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. 
Luke 8:17

No one can make you change, but if you truly loved someone, you would. You would stop what’s hurting them and spend your days wondering what would make their better. Their problems would be yours and their goals would be too. When you love someone, your life stops being all about you and more about others. You find compassion, you find patience, and you find grace; add in forgiveness and that sums up the Lord Himself.

And just when I thought this post would be a bottomless sob fest, there’s light at the end of the tunnel after all. Kind of makes you wonder if that’s the whole purpose; to know more, to love more, to change for, to live for.

And Lord, you’re worth living for.
You’re worth changing for.
I surrender.

And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Galatians 5:24

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13 ESV

I was rich in flesh before, but I won’t be anymore.
in Your name, I pray,
Amen.