“If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
— Stephen King

The saddest part about Jöölai just might be the saddest part about Aüggst — they’re fillers. You know, episodes without any meaning but are there to fill in the space; to serve as a reminder that I’m still here and don’t forget about me. And of course, I don’t want to believe it, but it’s hard to imagine they’re not.

I showed up late to Jöölai’s party, didn’t bring a gift, ate all of the food, and left without saying a proper goodbye. And the voice inside my head is spinning; crying out but you grew, though. You grew so much. Why be so unkind to yourself?

Well, because here I am, at the Reading & Rhythm Report, and I’ve got absolutely nothing to say. 

I didn’t read, I barely wrote, not to mention I held my dribble (aka I hardly played any ball). To the voice screaming at me from the other side of the room, I did. I did grow, and yet there’s an ache in my stomach that no amount of TUMS can suppress —

My disappointment. 

I thought I’d be farther along by now, but I should have known better because — and though shameful — I also thought I could get away with only sharing a refined version of the truth. And that’s not to say that what I’ve written isn’t honest, I’ve just allowed it to serve as a distraction from the things I’ve told you I wanted but have yet to do. 

For instance, read. 

Sigh, insert heartburn.

Maybe I don’t want it enough. Maybe I only wanted it because of how it would make me look instead of how it would make me feel. Everyone loves a reader. Readers are smart. They know things. 

I also know, I cannot be a writer without it. So, it has to become a nonnegotiable — just like my water intake (another thing I have also been failing at lately but have distracted you from circling back to — I bet you can’t even remember the last time I spoke about my water intake, you know what I mean?) You see? I’m not lying, I’m distracting, but that’s only hurting myself.

So, game plan:

I’ll start small. Ten minutes a day. No page count, just a good old-fashioned timer. I’ll keep a book on the nightstand, one in my lunch bag, one on my desk, and one in the car. I need to actively make it a part of my day, and you know what they say — out of sight, out of mind, so they’ll just have to be everywhere.

Audibles on deck:

101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

Paperback:

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

The plan is not perfect, and if it fails I’ll try something else — I take comfort in the fact that I’m trying. 

Now, on to the bops.

Jöölai’s Line-Up: Spotify Style

1. Momma by Joyner Lucas & Chris Brown
2. Chemical by Post Malone
3. On The Coast by Citizen Papes
4. Indecision by Sampha
5. Yellow Brick Road by Quinn XCII

Maybe I didn’t walk out on Jöölai, maybe I drank too much and knocked out on her couch. Maybe she walked out on me, and now I’ve got Aüggst here, banging on the door, trying to escort me out.

I don’t blame them, it’s time.

What’s something you’ve been falling short on? What’s something you want to change?

Think about it.

Up next on the chopping board, The Growth & Grind Report

Cheers,
B.