“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24
***
I get this sort of pain in my throat every time this verse comes to pass. It’s as if all the air in my lungs release to the point that my body becomes so small, smaller than it’s ever been, and then it’ll just stay there; in child’s pose, waiting for whoever was there to leave the room.
And it’s in that moment when I realize, that’s my body telling me it feels shame.
And it makes me so sad to feel like I’m watching myself in third person, because I find myself practically drowning in empathy, just for my heart to sink at the realization that I’m not the bystander, I’m not the witness, I am this.
I’m not the jury, I’m the victim.
And as I write this, I’m winded, my breath — nonexistent.
It’s the pain of holding back tears that are strong enough to break a damn, the pain of pretending that everything’s okay because for some reason, it’s more important to me that everyone thinks I’m fine instead of knowing the truth because the truth is, and it’s a pain to know, that deep down, I’m way richer than I say I am — and that’s what’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of God. *** “Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. When the young man heard this, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. “ Matthew 19:21-23
On my knees, I fold. My heart tussles with the flesh; my mind falls down to it — like a beggar. We don’t need it [possessions], my lord, it cries. Surely, we could do without. But then I get whiplashed with craving, with urge, and somehow in the mix of it all, my lungs sneak in enough air to last me until the next time Matthew 19:24 decides to make an appearance.
It covers up the pain, it covers up the problem, and God’s Heavenly Kingdom.
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and [flesh].” Matthew 6:24
It’s the flesh, for me. I’m not rich in money, I’m rich in flesh — and it’s the flesh that’s going to keep me out of the kingdom of heaven.
I’m ashamed to love the flesh, the reward of the flesh, and how immediate it is; how its currency is so accessible that it’s overflowing — a land of its own milk and honey.
I’m hopeless. I can’t rub my eyes hard enough to see through this tunnel of darkness. They never tell you this is what faith feels like. To fall down on your knees, bow your head, and truly mean it when you say, “Lord, have mercy on me.” How broken you can feel and how desperate you can be; there are nights when you can’t sleep and days when you can’t breathe.
But this shame is meant to tell you that the beauty of feeling this way is that it means you care what God thinks of you.
And why would someone care about God if He wasn’t real? It’s because you believe that He is.
And I hope this gives you clarity like it does for me, because it means the hiding can finally be over; I don’t have to hide anymore, because I can’t. I can’t hide from God.
“…even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Psalm 139:12
For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17
No one can make you change, but if you truly loved someone, you would. You would stop what’s hurting them and spend your days wondering what would make their better. Their problems would be yours and their goals would be too. When you love someone, your life stops being all about you and more about others. You find compassion, you find patience, and you find grace; add in forgiveness and that sums up the Lord Himself.
And just when I thought this post would be a bottomless sob fest, there’s light at the end of the tunnel after all. Kind of makes you wonder if that’s the whole purpose; to know more, to love more, to change for, to live for.
And Lord, you’re worth living for. You’re worth changing for. I surrender.
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 ESV
I was rich in flesh before, but I won’t be anymore. in Your name, I pray, Amen.
Truth be told, at the moment I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to begin this blog post because I genuinely don’t know what I want out of it. I know I want to be productive, but how can I tell when I’m actually being productive or if I’m just being busy?
What’s my why? What do I want? What is it that I’m looking for?
In asking these questions, I’ve compiled a list of the things I’d like to do with my time and ideally by the time Mei comes back around next year, I will have achieved at least… some of them.
And I know what you’re thinking, that just by using the word some implies I’m already playing it safe so that at the end of the day I can say at least I tried, but I mean, shouldn’t I try to be realistic? Or is that sentence alone setting me up for failure? I’ll admit, I’m afraid of daring to dream because on one hand, I know myself and how lazy I can be, but on the other, I know I have the potential and the will to experience life in a more deliberate way; plus, with 365 days a year, 24 hours per day, how could that possibly not be enough time to attempt all the things I’d like to see through? So I asked myself, what would Tomiee Cruise do?
And I guess there’s only one true way to handle this situation… tap into that reward system!
Insert a mischievous smirk.
“By completing this project, I’ll give myself permission to…” *Insert a celebratory dinner, or maybe something from my wish list (but it has to be useful, something I’ll actually use — something that represents me —and aid in one of my four target categories that I’m looking to enhance this year on the blog).
or
“If I see this through, I’ll reward myself with…”
*Insert a trip… to Italy* Ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming.
What, too childish? For what it’s worth, I promise to make the prizes both obtainable and well-earned. That said, I should probably compile a whole thought-out victory blueprint so on the off chance I actually do succeed in whatever it is I’m tackling, I’ll know exactly what comes next and how to celebrate. Take the trip to Italy, for instance. How long should I stay? When will I go? Once I touchdown, what will I do? I’ll need a whole itinerary mapped out—one that makes the journey feel just as intentional as the destination—because a victory that big deserves a celebration just as grand. Of course, at the end of the day, the goal itself is already worth the fight. I just need a little extra push to step beyond the comfort of complacency and into the version of myself I know I’m fully capable of becoming.
I mean it though about that trip to Italy; Eliseo, husband, are you listening? Of course, this reward would only be assigned to the most difficult, most unlikely task to ever be completed or kept up with. Can anyone guess what that task could possibly be?
Okay, pause. For the record, if you manage to get this answer right, it’s only because you truly know me and if so, I both hate you and love you. Because the truth isn’t pretty and I rarely finish what I start.
So, the answer to the question is… this blog.
This idea. This concept of a dream. This real-time account of growth and change. This untainted, untouched, unaltered version of myself I hope to emerge out from underneath the shadows.
It’s scary and the stakes are high. But if I manage to stay true to this blog and consistently post (at least 2x/week) for a YEAR – all while being intentional in all categories that make up this blog (weight, stimulation, productivity, and finance); i.e. the shopping ban, developing real saving habits, the cultivation of a better community that both nurtures and stimulates me, and the maintenance of healthier habits – including daily activity and mindful food choices .
The problem is there’s so much I want to do and despite me just starting out, I already feel so deeply behind. It’s hard for me to believe I’ll be able to manage getting all these things done, but I think that’s what makes using the reward system so endearing. Because at the end of it all, though I hope it won’t actually be the end, not only will I have improved my life in such a significant way, but I’ll get to celebrate by stepping outside of the country for the very first time!
Sounds Tomiee Cruise to me. Bup-bup-bup — Tomiee Cruise.
Tomiee Cruise.
So here they are: my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations.
Little things that would genuinely make me happy to do:
I want to dance again, and I especially want to learn the choreography to the scene in Better Man that absolutely EXPLODES to the song, Rock DJ. However, if I manage to get out at least once a month and strut my stuff, I’m sure that would suffice.
I want to score a position in the Supervisor in Training program (SIT) at my work. I feel like once I do that, opportunities will start coming at me every which way and I’ll finally get to be involved in the way we raise our next generation leaders.
I want to learn the ASL version of a song I really like — the song Feel, from Better Man. In case you haven’t guessed it already, I really, really like the movie Better Man.
I want to post consistently on this blog (say, 2-3 times a week), sharing insight into my shopping ban, my savings venture, my commitment to a more energized and mindful lifestyle, and my pursuit of a community that regularly stimulates and supports me. This is easily going to be the most challenging for me as I’ve mentioned before, but I truly believe it’ll serve to be the most beneficial.
I would like to be more intentional with the way I speak Spanish; I’m tired of learning it, I just want to speak it already, but I know there’s more work to be done on my end in order to live that reality, so here’s to hoping I can commit to practicing and studying more regularly.
I want to improve my vocals for the purpose of sharing my music. I can hear the voice of my soul telling me to get out more, but I’ve never been confident in my ability to sing. I know everyone has an audience and mine is out there, just waiting for me to get over this hurdle and step outside my comfort zone. So, I think I’d like to look into getting vocal lessons — just like the way Tom Cruise did for his film, Rock of Ages… Oh, Tommy. Swoon.
Then, I want to gather the courage to perform at a karaoke night, open mic night, or perhaps even a poetry night. And of course, if I like it, I would like to implement these events more regularly into my life (doesn’t have to be daily, maybe not even weekly, but oftenenough to where I can say, “Yeah! I do that.”). I want to be part of the scene.
I want to go on more hikes that include the green side of nature and at the same time, I’d like to practice the art of stillness. I want to acknowledge everything within arm’s reach and that takes time; I want to breathe in the air, feel its molecules enter my lungs and stare at the little details in the trees, the rocks, and the water. I want to just, be.
I want to travel more, and I’d like to find more opportunities to be independent because therein lies self-discovery and I’d like to make it a point to know who I am.
And lastly — for now — I want to run a half-marathon. I always pride myself on my stamina, but I’ve never ran for that long before. So, before this first year on the blog is up, I will.
Personal Check-In: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy?
God knows I could keep going. In fact, something I’ve been struggling with this week is the balance between starting up the brain and turning it off; like I said earlier, I’m already overwhelmed with all the avenues and rabbit holes I’ve allowed myself to go down and fall into throughout the making of this blog. So much to do, but how to do it? What to tackle first and for how long. Should I set dates? How do I manage it all?
Questions I still don’t know all the answers to, but here’s how I’ve been starting.
Road Map to Productivity:
The Forest App: Focus for Productivity. An app that allows you to stay focused with a forest-growing take on the Pomodoro Technique (a practice of breaking work down into 25-minute intervals). This app keeps me off my phone and challenges me to remain consistent with my work.
Routine, and a Daily Tracker Checklist — A typical day for me now looks like this:
Wake up at 6 a.m. and prepare my son to go to school and I to the gym.
Gym, 30 minutes minimum. Some days, basketball, others running, perhaps one day a class, but on average, I tend to spend an hour participating in activity.
Home, shower, eat, breathe.
1-2 hours of intentional blogging, content creation, or reading
Work (≈6-8 hrs)
Home, shower, eat
Tuck my son into bed
1-2 hours of intentional activity: reading, blogging, content creation
Bed by 10 p.m.
This routine has been essential for me as I take a major step back from being overly consumed by television. However, here are some tactics I will be utilizing going forward, along with the strategies I’ve been implementing so far.
1. Use the “Core Four” Method(Body, Mind, Heart, Pocket) I’ll ask myself things like:
What can I do today that supports my health (Body)? What will challenge or stimulate my thoughts (Mind)? How can I build stronger relationships (Heart)? What helps me secure my future (Pocket)?
2. Create Non-Negotiables
Choose 1 thing per category each week to commit to doing no matter what. Everything else is flexible.
For example:
Body
Go to the gym 5x/week minimum
Mind
Read 10-20 pages of a book daily
Heart
Call one friend or go to a social event
Pocket
Continue shopping ban
Everything else I do in those areas can be flexible or spontaneous, but those four actions will act as my anchors — keeping me grounded and steadily moving forward in the right direction.
3. Track What Moves Me Forward
If it’s not leading toward my growth, aka the list of aspirations I composed earlier in this post, I need to ask myself why it’s on my plate. This will keep me accountable and ensure I’m being productive and not just ‘busy’.
So that’s where I’m starting. Not with perfection, but with purpose. This blog isn’t just a place for me to track my progress — it’s a safe space where I’ll get to process all the avenues embedded in my mind, to push myself, and to play. I’m not expecting every goal to be met right away, but I am committing to showing up, documenting the growth, the grind, and everything else in-between. If you’re reading this, maybe you’re on a similar journey — or maybe you’re just curious. Either way, thanks for being here.
Here’s to showing up, starting messy, and seeing it through. — B.
The Processing Mind 