In order to move forward, sometimes you’ve got to look back.

Something I’m quickly learning is that you’ll never be able to revise a draft you’ve never written; meaning, if you don’t start something, you’ll never be able to adjust, change, or grow. You lose out on such a significant part of your nature — the ability to adapt.

The biggest win I had last year was the cure to my depression. I couldn’t tell you what Jesus did with me but after last year, no one will ever be able to convince me that God’s done performing miracles.

My happiness was God’s miracle —
to me.

There is no other way around it. It wasn’t the food I ate, the water I drank, or the movement I made — it was Jesus.

All my life, I’ve wanted to get baptized; throw up my hands and surrender to God — though I’ll admit, I’ve always romanticized it more than I’ve ever been able to actually do. However, every day it’s on my mind and every day I’m learning; one day I’ll overcome the flesh I fight with daily.

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Romans 7:15 ESV

The truth is, I’ve always known that if I tried to lead my own life, I would never make it out of the mud. There would always be sorrow and pain, no rainbows, just rain, and it didn’t matter how weak or strong my faith was, this I believed with all my heart.

And maybe a part of that stems from my own insecurity that I’m never capable, but even now that I’ve developed a belief that I am, the quality of my life could never come close to the kind of paradise the Lord has built for me if I denied Him just to see what kind of paradise I could create on my own.

I cannot save myself. I cannot preserve myself. I couldn’t even wish myself into existence. I am so small, but how beautiful that is; that even the smallest things in life have purpose — I just have to go to my Creator and ask what it is and trust that He’ll guide me down the path to find it. But the act of trust doesn’t mean to continue to walk through life the way I always have, waiting for Him to make a move. Trusting Him means moving myself in His direction; climbing up the mountain, breaking a sweat, enduring the flesh, and never giving up; paying the price no matter the cost.

The path to Christ is through suffering. This will always ring true.
Whether the sacrifice is big or small, you hold your breath and go into the water anyway, just like Jesus did.

And that’s the miracle God worked in me. The ability to dive in. To allow myself to sink. To be afraid and do it anyway.

My depression lingered on the surface of deep water, and I got so caught up in the fear of drowning that by trying to stay afloat, it captured me so easily. I wasn’t willing to take the plunge and deny my flesh, so I stayed there and allowed it to convince me that I would never amount to anything.

For years I remained above the water, watching everyone else be something great, yet I remained unwilling. I was so desperate; I knew what I needed but I could never bring myself to let go. And then a friend of mine told me something I will never forget:

God doesn’t call on the qualified, He qualifies the called.

[F]ear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

He gave me all the air I needed. Pushed out the volume I had been holding in for so long and revived me with air so fresh it stung like mint. He cured my depression and instilled in me the courage to do what I had always wanted — to surrender myself to Him through baptism.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4

What about you? What was your biggest win last year?

What do you think your biggest win this year will be?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.