Sometimes a dream is only meant to have a portfolio — not an audition, or a role — a handshake, if you will, before it can go on its merry way.
Check in.
I’m happy. I have a steady morning routine. I am proud of the fact that I am actively writing, nearly every day, whether that be composing songs on the piano, writing poetry, or dedicating time to my blog — I’m writing. A lot. See? I’m doing it write now — I mean right* now. That was a natural mistake, I actually did that. It’s not a cheap joke — it happened, I – anyway… I’m writing. I have a stable morning routine. I play ball on the weekends. I spend quality time with my son in the mornings, work is fruitful, my personality is piercing through the blinds; I’m being seen, just as I am seeing myself. I am happy.
Double Check in.
It is now August 21st, and everything has changed. I haven’t written since I wrote this on the plane flying home from Honolulu in Jöölai; I haven’t played any ball this month, either; my son has entered his terrible two’s — five months late, thank god: any sooner and I don’t think I would have made it. And, to top it all off, I have strayed so far from the goals that created this blog in the first place. I haven’t been intentional with my movement, my water, my food, my sleep, my spending, my friendships, I mean — what happened? I feel I am in a constant battle with myself over these things and yet, still, I am happy, so that’s gotta mean something.
Moving forward.
Goals
My original goals for this month were to spend more time with my dog, stay focused on my basketball matches, and incorporate more playing time in-between my writing sessions, specifically video games, piano, even the guitar. I have done none of those things — and that’s not to say I neglect my dog, he just deserves more than his servings of food, water, and bathroom breaks. I also wanted to take a dance class this month with my sister and celebrate my husband’s 28th lap around the sun (which is the only thing I can really say with confidence has been achieved — though, not the dancing part, my husband’s birthday — which, if we’re being honest, was coming with or without me, but more on this later). The only real goal I have stayed true to is actually a secret I hope to reveal by the end of this month, which of course, is coming up pretty fast.
And my first instinct is to write a pick-me-up line and say, despite everything,not all is lost, because it’s true. I’ve had a great month. I’m happy. Life is good. How? Why? Because instead of listing out all my mishandled goals and sulking over my failures, I recognize that, all of this, is voluntary.
I’m an adult. I am not being graded on my level of growth. Growth is not just about solving some self-concocted mystery of who we are, it’s about embracing every detail of the road while we’re driving to who we want to be; the views can change from sights of green to brown to yellow to blue; roads can be a one way, freeway, high way; lanes can be closed and detours insisted; traffic lights come in three colors, for a reason. One day, Forrest Gump just decided to stop running, but why, if it was in the middle of the road, with nothing in sight, no destination to justify an ending? Because it’s not about the ending, it never is. It’s about stopping to smell the roses, and then searching for another field, with different smelling roses. It’s about the moment. What you’re doing now.
Life is not defined by the destination, we hear this all the time. Life is an RV in constant motion to different campsites. Settling in, packing up, and moving out. It’s a cycle, just like the time on a clock and the days in a year; the seasons, the generations, it’s all cyclical. So much so that sometimes I get dizzy, but then I take a step back, and take a detour.
Not all dreams were meant to breathe life into this world. Sometimes just starting to create life in a dream is enough to lay it back down to rest. That is the kind of life we have the power to create and so make life about the process of creating, not the creation.
And something I can say I’ve been doing very regularly this month has been, reading.
*Gasp* I know.
Unfortunately, something it’s forced me to discover about myself is that I — am a very slow reader.
21 days, 15 minutes per, and only 30 pages to show for it.
Sigh. Nevertheless, I am happy.
So, if all I do for the rest of this month is embrace my morning routine, my work, and my slowness, I will work to be intentional in my practice of accepting these things as enough.
What about you? Can you accept yourself as enough? Is what you’re doing enough?
If you keep ignoring the source of a problem, then you’ll always pretend to wonder where exactly its coming from.
Jöölai — you sly dog, how dare you start without me. I had plans, posts to write, and now the timing’s all wrong.
I practically missed the end of Jöön, the beginning of Jöölai, and Tom Cruise’s birthday on the 3rd. I mean, we’re already a week into this new month and I still have yet to welcome it.
So, what gives? Have I lost my stamina? The ability to push through hardships? Am I no longer a resource for wisdom or revelation? Is my battery dead? Is my blog going to die? Will everything I’ve done so far just be—
for nothing?
I don’t know. I didn’t go to the gym last week. Haven’t stepped foot inside this week, either. Don’t know if I’m going tomorrow — definitely don’t see myself going today. Where’s my inner Tom Cruise; Tomiee, where you at? — I mean, I have no idea what’s going on.
… Or maybe I do.
Here’s the thing, I am not Tom Cruise. I can’t fly a plane, I don’t speak ten languages, and I sure as hell can’t hold my breath for six and a half minutes under water.
I’ m not Tom Cruise.
But then again — Tom Cruise is not a woman, and I’m not saying women can’t do what Tom Cruise does, I’m just saying there are some things we have to learn how to do differently. I mean, look, I’m not trying to be Tom Cruise, I’m trying to be Tomiee, but there’s a subtle difference between Tom and Tomiee you could completely miss if you’re not paying close enough attention.
A period.
Tom doesn’t have a menstrual cycle, at least, not one that I know of.
Gaawhh, gross.Somebody —change the subject, please — come on, hurry! Ew ew ew.
But I can’t, it’s time I rewrote the narrative and finally acknowledged the source of something that’s been holding me back for so long.
You see, the problem is not the period; I bleed, so what? The problem has always been coming to terms with the genetic makeup of the period and adapting my life to make space for something that is simply out of my control.
What do I mean by this? Well, do you remember that rant I just went on? The paragraphs filled with worry and self-doubt — wondering if all is lost with no means to recover? That, my friends, is the product of the Luteal Phase, aka something we all know as, PMS. I’ve always rejected it because I hate that line…Is it that time of the month for you? No! No — yes… NO! … Ugh… just say it…
Yes. Yes, it is.
What we don’t realize, is that this phase can be up to TWO. WEEKS. LONG. I’ll get into the biology of that later but y’all… PMS for two weeks and bleeding for one? Come on! That doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for greatness.
… Or does it?
The thing is — nobody. talks. about it.
It’s not just the Menstrual Phase — it’s the Luteal Phase, the Follicular Phase, and the Ovulation Phase — that’s what makes up what we like to call, the Menstrual Cycle. There’s more than just one layer to it. Our hormonal system goes through a 28-day cycle while male hormone regulation only takes 24 hours; this isn’t a competition, but they get to experience the highs with the lows every single day while our lows and our highs get drawn out over the course of days.
Talk about a dramatic entrance for Jöölai, but that’s what this month’s about — not breaking down barriers, but learning to work around them, with them, for them.
And so, maybe this chapter is for the women — I know, I know, but it matters. Though, whether or not you bleed once a month, I’m sure there’s something we can all take away from this and that’s to accept the things that appear small and miniscule — whatever the case may be — but are actually roadblocks to achieving a greater sense of understanding who we are.
So, grab a pad — I mean pen— and let’s get started.
Truth be told, at the moment I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to begin this blog post because I genuinely don’t know what I want out of it. I know I want to be productive, but how can I tell when I’m actually being productive or if I’m just being busy?
What’s my why? What do I want? What is it that I’m looking for?
In asking these questions, I’ve compiled a list of the things I’d like to do with my time and ideally by the time Mei comes back around next year, I will have achieved at least… some of them.
And I know what you’re thinking, that just by using the word some implies I’m already playing it safe so that at the end of the day I can say at least I tried, but I mean, shouldn’t I try to be realistic? Or is that sentence alone setting me up for failure? I’ll admit, I’m afraid of daring to dream because on one hand, I know myself and how lazy I can be, but on the other, I know I have the potential and the will to experience life in a more deliberate way; plus, with 365 days a year, 24 hours per day, how could that possibly not be enough time to attempt all the things I’d like to see through? So I asked myself, what would Tomiee Cruise do?
And I guess there’s only one true way to handle this situation… tap into that reward system!
Insert a mischievous smirk.
“By completing this project, I’ll give myself permission to…” *Insert a celebratory dinner, or maybe something from my wish list (but it has to be useful, something I’ll actually use — something that represents me —and aid in one of my four target categories that I’m looking to enhance this year on the blog).
or
“If I see this through, I’ll reward myself with…”
*Insert a trip… to Italy* Ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming.
What, too childish? For what it’s worth, I promise to make the prizes both obtainable and well-earned. That said, I should probably compile a whole thought-out victory blueprint so on the off chance I actually do succeed in whatever it is I’m tackling, I’ll know exactly what comes next and how to celebrate. Take the trip to Italy, for instance. How long should I stay? When will I go? Once I touchdown, what will I do? I’ll need a whole itinerary mapped out—one that makes the journey feel just as intentional as the destination—because a victory that big deserves a celebration just as grand. Of course, at the end of the day, the goal itself is already worth the fight. I just need a little extra push to step beyond the comfort of complacency and into the version of myself I know I’m fully capable of becoming.
I mean it though about that trip to Italy; Eliseo, husband, are you listening? Of course, this reward would only be assigned to the most difficult, most unlikely task to ever be completed or kept up with. Can anyone guess what that task could possibly be?
Okay, pause. For the record, if you manage to get this answer right, it’s only because you truly know me and if so, I both hate you and love you. Because the truth isn’t pretty and I rarely finish what I start.
So, the answer to the question is… this blog.
This idea. This concept of a dream. This real-time account of growth and change. This untainted, untouched, unaltered version of myself I hope to emerge out from underneath the shadows.
It’s scary and the stakes are high. But if I manage to stay true to this blog and consistently post (at least 2x/week) for a YEAR – all while being intentional in all categories that make up this blog (weight, stimulation, productivity, and finance); i.e. the shopping ban, developing real saving habits, the cultivation of a better community that both nurtures and stimulates me, and the maintenance of healthier habits – including daily activity and mindful food choices .
The problem is there’s so much I want to do and despite me just starting out, I already feel so deeply behind. It’s hard for me to believe I’ll be able to manage getting all these things done, but I think that’s what makes using the reward system so endearing. Because at the end of it all, though I hope it won’t actually be the end, not only will I have improved my life in such a significant way, but I’ll get to celebrate by stepping outside of the country for the very first time!
Sounds Tomiee Cruise to me. Bup-bup-bup — Tomiee Cruise.
Tomiee Cruise.
So here they are: my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations.
Little things that would genuinely make me happy to do:
I want to dance again, and I especially want to learn the choreography to the scene in Better Man that absolutely EXPLODES to the song, Rock DJ. However, if I manage to get out at least once a month and strut my stuff, I’m sure that would suffice.
I want to score a position in the Supervisor in Training program (SIT) at my work. I feel like once I do that, opportunities will start coming at me every which way and I’ll finally get to be involved in the way we raise our next generation leaders.
I want to learn the ASL version of a song I really like — the song Feel, from Better Man. In case you haven’t guessed it already, I really, really like the movie Better Man.
I want to post consistently on this blog (say, 2-3 times a week), sharing insight into my shopping ban, my savings venture, my commitment to a more energized and mindful lifestyle, and my pursuit of a community that regularly stimulates and supports me. This is easily going to be the most challenging for me as I’ve mentioned before, but I truly believe it’ll serve to be the most beneficial.
I would like to be more intentional with the way I speak Spanish; I’m tired of learning it, I just want to speak it already, but I know there’s more work to be done on my end in order to live that reality, so here’s to hoping I can commit to practicing and studying more regularly.
I want to improve my vocals for the purpose of sharing my music. I can hear the voice of my soul telling me to get out more, but I’ve never been confident in my ability to sing. I know everyone has an audience and mine is out there, just waiting for me to get over this hurdle and step outside my comfort zone. So, I think I’d like to look into getting vocal lessons — just like the way Tom Cruise did for his film, Rock of Ages… Oh, Tommy. Swoon.
Then, I want to gather the courage to perform at a karaoke night, open mic night, or perhaps even a poetry night. And of course, if I like it, I would like to implement these events more regularly into my life (doesn’t have to be daily, maybe not even weekly, but oftenenough to where I can say, “Yeah! I do that.”). I want to be part of the scene.
I want to go on more hikes that include the green side of nature and at the same time, I’d like to practice the art of stillness. I want to acknowledge everything within arm’s reach and that takes time; I want to breathe in the air, feel its molecules enter my lungs and stare at the little details in the trees, the rocks, and the water. I want to just, be.
I want to travel more, and I’d like to find more opportunities to be independent because therein lies self-discovery and I’d like to make it a point to know who I am.
And lastly — for now — I want to run a half-marathon. I always pride myself on my stamina, but I’ve never ran for that long before. So, before this first year on the blog is up, I will.
Personal Check-In: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy?
God knows I could keep going. In fact, something I’ve been struggling with this week is the balance between starting up the brain and turning it off; like I said earlier, I’m already overwhelmed with all the avenues and rabbit holes I’ve allowed myself to go down and fall into throughout the making of this blog. So much to do, but how to do it? What to tackle first and for how long. Should I set dates? How do I manage it all?
Questions I still don’t know all the answers to, but here’s how I’ve been starting.
Road Map to Productivity:
The Forest App: Focus for Productivity. An app that allows you to stay focused with a forest-growing take on the Pomodoro Technique (a practice of breaking work down into 25-minute intervals). This app keeps me off my phone and challenges me to remain consistent with my work.
Routine, and a Daily Tracker Checklist — A typical day for me now looks like this:
Wake up at 6 a.m. and prepare my son to go to school and I to the gym.
Gym, 30 minutes minimum. Some days, basketball, others running, perhaps one day a class, but on average, I tend to spend an hour participating in activity.
Home, shower, eat, breathe.
1-2 hours of intentional blogging, content creation, or reading
Work (≈6-8 hrs)
Home, shower, eat
Tuck my son into bed
1-2 hours of intentional activity: reading, blogging, content creation
Bed by 10 p.m.
This routine has been essential for me as I take a major step back from being overly consumed by television. However, here are some tactics I will be utilizing going forward, along with the strategies I’ve been implementing so far.
1. Use the “Core Four” Method(Body, Mind, Heart, Pocket) I’ll ask myself things like:
What can I do today that supports my health (Body)? What will challenge or stimulate my thoughts (Mind)? How can I build stronger relationships (Heart)? What helps me secure my future (Pocket)?
2. Create Non-Negotiables
Choose 1 thing per category each week to commit to doing no matter what. Everything else is flexible.
For example:
Body
Go to the gym 5x/week minimum
Mind
Read 10-20 pages of a book daily
Heart
Call one friend or go to a social event
Pocket
Continue shopping ban
Everything else I do in those areas can be flexible or spontaneous, but those four actions will act as my anchors — keeping me grounded and steadily moving forward in the right direction.
3. Track What Moves Me Forward
If it’s not leading toward my growth, aka the list of aspirations I composed earlier in this post, I need to ask myself why it’s on my plate. This will keep me accountable and ensure I’m being productive and not just ‘busy’.
So that’s where I’m starting. Not with perfection, but with purpose. This blog isn’t just a place for me to track my progress — it’s a safe space where I’ll get to process all the avenues embedded in my mind, to push myself, and to play. I’m not expecting every goal to be met right away, but I am committing to showing up, documenting the growth, the grind, and everything else in-between. If you’re reading this, maybe you’re on a similar journey — or maybe you’re just curious. Either way, thanks for being here.
Here’s to showing up, starting messy, and seeing it through. — B.
The Processing Mind 