It’s not about where you’re going or who you want to be, it’s about where you are now and the person you’ve become so far.

It never ceases to amaze me how often I find myself having to come down to my own level; I somehow always think I’m better than I actually am or can do more than I actually could. My unproductive nature has always found it easier to spend more time wondering whose fault it is that I couldn’t live up to my expectations or simply resolving to try harder than actually pointing the finger at myself and lowering my standards for the sake of building discipline and setting obtainable goals.

Example, at the beginning of the year, my husband set out to do something that’s circulating the internet called, “The 75 HARD.” To break it down, every day for 75 days participants need to:

1. Follow a structured diet — doesn’t matter which, just choose, add in no alcohol and zero cheat meals, and you’ve got rule one all figured out.
2. Conduct two sets of 45-minute workouts (one must be done outdoors). You cannot do them back-to-back; there has to be at least three hours apart. Doesn’t matter the type of workout — just be intentional and you’ve achieved the second rule.
3. Drink a gallon of water — A DAY! Side note: Y’all crazy.
4. Read 10 pages of a book that is meant to make you better; nonfiction, self-development, work-related, etc. Oh, and audiobook do not count.
5. Take a progress picture, every day. If you’re truly following the challenge right, you will want these pictures to look back on. The act of taking the picture alone is meant to develop your ability to sit with discomfort. If you don’t already have a good body or a body that you’re proud of, you will be uncomfortable, despite only you having access to the picture (isn’t it interesting that there doesn’t even have to be a single person in the room for us to feel this way about ourselves? That’s why a task even this miniscule is important).

Five rules, 75 days. No substitutions, no compromises.

Y’all, my husband was a real player at this game. His longest streak was 14 days while I couldn’t even make it past day 1. It was wild, especially because I even did what the challenge said not to do.

Substitute, compromise, and without remorse, mind you.

Dropped the gallon down to half a gallon, the two sets of 45 down to one, and the rest seemed easy enough. And it was…

until I couldn’t even get half a gallon down…

Turns out what I needed to drop was the challenge itself, not the rules. I’m not ready for a challenge like that and what’s worse is I even discouraged my husband from the challenge himself. I sabotaged him, unintentionally of course; by getting back the time that was supposed to be dedicated to my workouts, I was adamant about allocating that time towards spending it with him. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend time with their partner? Well, that translated to me being unsupportive because it was while he was conducting his workouts or even his read time that I had the time and wanted to spend it with him.

I threw him off, and he hasn’t come back to the challenge since. And that’s something I sit with often and with a resolve to mend things, I even attempt to re-encourage him to try again, this time without unwarranted obstacles (aka me — sad face). Alas, to no avail, but it’s like what I mentioned in my previous post, one day he’s going to wake up, and it’ll be easier to want to try again — and actually do it. I just need to give it time.

So, in the meantime, the best thing I can do is work on myself and the first step I’m taking towards that goal is to, with a heavy heart, lower my own standards and come down to my own level.

I made a 75 day challenge of my own. It’s not hard, in fact it might even be a level below soft, but it’s a start.

Here’s what I’m going to do.

1. 60 oz of water a day. This is almost laughable, in fact, I’m laughing as I write this. It’s not even half a gallon, it’s 4 ounces less… come on, b, but hear me out. I’m actually drinking from a 25 oz water bottle and have been refilling it three times a day (mind games, you know?). Anyway.
2. Bible study, every day, every morning, first thing’s first. I can do all things through him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
3. 30/15/15 — 30 minutes of German practice, 15 minutes of reading, 15 minutes of daily movement.

And lastly, instead of doing it for 75 days, I’m only going to do it for five.

My intention is to do more, but in order to do more, I have to start with less. That’s the stage of life I’m in right now, and if you ask me, it’s against my will. My heart tells me to grab the bull by its horns and by all means, I want to do it, but my heart isn’t as disciplined as my mind or maybe the two just aren’t aligned, that’s a rabbit hole for another time; all I know is I’ll get there.

The best thing I can do for myself right now is to be honest.

Because there’s no one else in the room right now, you know? It’s just me, and there’s no nook I could possibly hide a piece of myself in where I won’t find it. The best thing I can do is admit that there’s a piece of myself that likes to hold myself back; that likes to sabotage or is just too scared to try. And if I can admit that much, then the source of the problem no longer becomes a shadow I cannot find but one I can see and can work with.

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up, pick up your mat, and walk.”
John 5:8

I honestly used to think I could get up and walk away, leaving my mat behind, but that’s not what Jesus calls on us to do. He wants us to carry it with us, as testimony that something that once held us back is now something we can use to actively glorify His name. He wants us to carry our brokenness, to allow others to see what we once used as crutches, so that they too might one day be able to follow behind Him with confidence that nothing will be impossible with God (Luke 1:37 ESV). So, from this day forward, I’m going to pick up my mat and walk.

What about you?

What’s your shadow?

Think about it.

Cheers,
B.