If you keep ignoring the source of a problem, then you’ll always pretend to wonder where exactly its coming from.
Jöölai — you sly dog, how dare you start without me. I had plans, posts to write, and now the timing’s all wrong.
I practically missed the end of Jöön, the beginning of Jöölai, and Tom Cruise’s birthday on the 3rd. I mean, we’re already a week into this new month and I still have yet to welcome it.
So, what gives? Have I lost my stamina? The ability to push through hardships? Am I no longer a resource for wisdom or revelation? Is my battery dead? Is my blog going to die? Will everything I’ve done so far just be—
for nothing?
I don’t know. I didn’t go to the gym last week. Haven’t stepped foot inside this week, either. Don’t know if I’m going tomorrow — definitely don’t see myself going today. Where’s my inner Tom Cruise; Tomiee, where you at? — I mean, I have no idea what’s going on.
… Or maybe I do.
Here’s the thing, I am not Tom Cruise. I can’t fly a plane, I don’t speak ten languages, and I sure as hell can’t hold my breath for six and a half minutes under water.
I’ m not Tom Cruise.
But then again — Tom Cruise is not a woman, and I’m not saying women can’t do what Tom Cruise does, I’m just saying there are some things we have to learn how to do differently. I mean, look, I’m not trying to be Tom Cruise, I’m trying to be Tomiee, but there’s a subtle difference between Tom and Tomiee you could completely miss if you’re not paying close enough attention.
A period.
Tom doesn’t have a menstrual cycle, at least, not one that I know of.
Gaawhh, gross.Somebody —change the subject, please — come on, hurry! Ew ew ew.
But I can’t, it’s time I rewrote the narrative and finally acknowledged the source of something that’s been holding me back for so long.
You see, the problem is not the period; I bleed, so what? The problem has always been coming to terms with the genetic makeup of the period and adapting my life to make space for something that is simply out of my control.
What do I mean by this? Well, do you remember that rant I just went on? The paragraphs filled with worry and self-doubt — wondering if all is lost with no means to recover? That, my friends, is the product of the Luteal Phase, aka something we all know as, PMS. I’ve always rejected it because I hate that line…Is it that time of the month for you? No! No — yes… NO! … Ugh… just say it…
Yes. Yes, it is.
What we don’t realize, is that this phase can be up to TWO. WEEKS. LONG. I’ll get into the biology of that later but y’all… PMS for two weeks and bleeding for one? Come on! That doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for greatness.
… Or does it?
The thing is — nobody. talks. about it.
It’s not just the Menstrual Phase — it’s the Luteal Phase, the Follicular Phase, and the Ovulation Phase — that’s what makes up what we like to call, the Menstrual Cycle. There’s more than just one layer to it. Our hormonal system goes through a 28-day cycle while male hormone regulation only takes 24 hours; this isn’t a competition, but they get to experience the highs with the lows every single day while our lows and our highs get drawn out over the course of days.
Talk about a dramatic entrance for Jöölai, but that’s what this month’s about — not breaking down barriers, but learning to work around them, with them, for them.
And so, maybe this chapter is for the women — I know, I know, but it matters. Though, whether or not you bleed once a month, I’m sure there’s something we can all take away from this and that’s to accept the things that appear small and miniscule — whatever the case may be — but are actually roadblocks to achieving a greater sense of understanding who we are.
So, grab a pad — I mean pen— and let’s get started.
“If you’re willing to stay determined, work according to a plan, and keep getting up when you get knocked down, you will be able to achieve your goals — and someday, your dreams.” — Failing Forward
When I first started learning how to drive, I had virtually no orientation of the road, so when I had to get somewhere, I’d normally have to leave twice as early because it’d normally take me twice as long. Sure, GPS was a thing but to me, it was just as confusing as navigating Twitter and although my common sense has since developed, I’d often miss my turns because 400 ft always felt farther away than it actually was.
Whenever my mom would be in the car, she’d often reroute me saying, “No, go this way” or “don’t turn back for the freeway, just go to the ramp on the next street up,” and when I’d ask why, she’d say this line that would eventually become a hand-me-down. She’d say, “we don’t need to go backwards to go forward.” I didn’t understand what she meant back then, but in terms of the road, she was saying that if we’re trying to go South, there’s no point in going North. Now, if you were 16, would you understand what that means? Because I didn’t.
I didn’t understand it, but I think I have a good grip on it now and despite its logic, I’m going to agree to disagree; sometimes we need to. Sometimes, it’s the only way.
And mom, if you’re reading this, I know you meant directionally, I just needed a transitional sentence.
But seriously, take bodybuilders, for example. They go through constant bulking and cutting phases — intentionally gaining weight just to lose it again, all for the sake of sculpting something stronger. Writers, they revise. Pages get ripped and paragraphs rearranged. Some sentences get swapped out for others just to be added back in again for the sake of poetry and flow and well, “because I said so.” And we cut our hair because somehow it helps it grow faster — ‘splain that.
The point is, going backwards doesn’t always mean regression, sometimes it shows intention. Proof you’re paying attention; they say the first step to solving any problem is acknowledging there is one in the first place. We don’t like to admit it, but our shortcomings do make up who we are. We deny it over and over again and then wonder why we keep falling short… over and over again. That’s the problem. It becomes a routine and once we acknowledge that reality, that’s what gives us the potential to change. Not by moving forward, but by going backwards. If you leave a problem in the past, it’ll follow you everywhere you go.
I didn’t read this month, and if I didn’t acknowledge why, I’d probably go next month without reading too. I didn’t track my food, I didn’t hit my bedtime goals, and I kissed and made up with my TV. I did not make it to Tomiee Cruise status and if you’ve been following along, you’d know that’s exactly what I want to be. She’s big, she’s bold, she’s honest. She’s the character in my mind I want to play, but I judge her, so I can’t. She’s too big, she’s too bold, and she’s too honest. But there’s a silver lining in admitting those things, and it’s admitting those things. Now I can change.
So, what have I done?
Welcome to The Growth & Grind Report.
Heart — Be intentional in my relationships & try something new
I tried out line-dancing for the first time with my sister (if you missed this post, you can read it here)
I went on a spontaneous speed-run with a friend followed by a mindful yoga and deep breathing session to cool-down.
I engaged in fruitful conversations with my friends, my family, and my coworkers.
I went to a Post Malone concert and went to see (2) movies: How to Train Your Dragon and F1 (not once, but twice, Brad, you never fail me — if I wasn’t so die-hard Tom Cruise, I’d probably name my character after you, Bradiee Pitt) … No… doesn’t have the same ring.
Moving on.
Mind — Be intentional with my time
I realized the book I was reading was not one to have in the cue and to really take my time on it. I also realized that if I wanted it to be in the cue but also wanted to take my time with it, instead of taking an actual pause in my reading, I can simply re-read the parts of the book I want to instill in my everyday life.
I scored a position in the Supervisor in Training program (SIT) at my work.
Next!
Body — Be intentional with my movement
I experienced great consistency with being intentional with my movement (successfully going to the gym at least 4x/week, if not more).
Despite not journaling my food intake, I was still mindful about my eating habits; however, I did embrace meals outside my kitchen, roughly 10 times. Not necessarily proud of this number, but each one of these meals served as a product of adventure, and for that, I cannot complain.
Pocket — Be intentional with my spending Initial savings from Mei: $200 Projected savings for Jöön: $600 Actual savings for Jöön: $516
I stuck to my financial plan (50/30/20 rule) with a few exceptions (pulled money from my savings to fund gas for adventures — i.e. line-dancing in LA, the Post Malone concert, not to mention the movie tickets)
And I developed a greater sense of awareness when it comes to grocery shopping. Now, I feel more mindful when I make my list and am more likely to follow it instead of just grabbing whatever feels right in the moment.
So, there you have it. With Jöön came maturity, growth, and the reminder that sometimes progress is a loop, not a line. That going backwards can be a good thing; sometimes we need to — sometimes, it’s the only way.
What can you take a step back on?
Think about it.
Jöön, how I hate to leave you, but Jöölai, how I can’t wait to meet you.
“Focusing on what you don’t do discounts all you’ve already done.” — Dory Noriega, aka my sister.
As much as I’d like to say I overestimated myself this month, I’ll settle for the truth: I’m learning. And if Jöön has given me nothing else, it’s given me the humility to admit I don’t know all that there is to know about me — but I want to.
It’s an out-of-body experience, really, to acknowledge my disappointment without letting it bury my progress. I feel like I’m starting to look at myself like a business. You know, I run the numbers, view this month’s goal and its outcome, realize the follow-through could have been better, and then make the decision to try again tomorrow. It’s this newfound attitude that makes me believe maturity not only exists, but it’s tangible; I can feel it, I can see it, I am it. I’m adulting y’all, and it feels good.
Now, why am I rambling on about this, you ask? Well, what I had hoped to be a rather fruitful month of reading turned out to be a standstill. My original goal of reading a minimum of 10 pages a day swiftly turned into 5, then 2, until quickly it turned into none.
And the problem wasn’t the book, because the book was good. So good, in fact, that I didn’t want to read anymore; I wanted the words on the page to marinate, to grow legs and walk among me. A chapter in the book I was reading became so pertinent to my life in real time that I couldn’t bring myself to continue reading until something in my life had changed.
And it did, but that’s a story for The Growth & Grind Report.
Of course, looking back now, I realize I could’ve just reread the same 10 pages each day instead of deciding to stop reading all together, but you know what they say, hindsight’s 20/20.
And that’s the beauty of it all. From this “failure,” I learned something new. I learned how to pivot. Now, if I want to take a pause in my reading, I know it’s not a literal pause, but a productive rewind. And just like that, I achieve a way to keep moving forward, even without knowing exactly where forward is.
It’s just as I’ve said before in Chapter One: Mei —
“This is mess, this is nonlinear, this is me.”
If I can’t embrace that, then what am I doing here? What is any of this for?
It’s for me, so here’s to showing up, running the numbers, acknowledging the outcome, and deciding to be better.
And next month will be better, so I need to stick around to tell the tale.
Let’s get into the reports.
The Reading & Rhythm Report
UNFINISHED: The 5 Levels of Leadership by John C. Maxwell
And the line that stopped me in my tracks:
“The bottom line is that an invitation to lead people is an invitation to make a difference. Good leadership changes individual lives. It forms teams. It builds organizations. It impacts communities. It has the potential to impact the world. But never forget that position is only the starting point.”
2. Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. I did end up finishing his audiobook and I LOVED it. 10/10 would read again. McConaughey’s an amazing storyteller and is constantly leaving pieces of advice throughout the book, if not on every other page. I’ve come to find I really like autobiographies. It might actually be my favorite reading niche because a majority of them pay forward valuable life lessons and self-development is my bread and butter. So, don’t be surprised if I start adding more of them to my reading list, you have been warned.
Now, on to the bops.
Jöön’s Line-Up, Spotify style:
1. Gasoline & Matches by Cameron Whitcomb 2. MAGPIE by Khushi 3. Dance With You by Family and Friends 4. What You Know by Two Door Cinema Club 5. doing my best by Hazlett
Despite the shortcomings, I’m really proud of this month. I gained a better understanding of myself and for that, I am eternally grateful.
What are you walking away this month with?
That’s a wrap on The Reading & Rhythm Report, stick around for The Growth & Grind Report.
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” — André Gide
I like to call my sister the queen of scholarships; not because she always gets them, but because she always applies. And something I find especially odd is the fact that you’ll never hear her say things like, Gaaaah, I’m so nervous! Or things like, I want this. I hope I get it, or even the universal line, I hope they choose me.
And of course, that’s not to say she doesn’t think it, she just doesn’t say it and it makes me wonder if her use of stillness actually plays a role in her success. Because the truth is, I only hear about her scholarships after she’s won them. She never talks about the ones she didn’t despite spending hours writing and perfecting an essay that’ll determine her tuition’s future. No, after she submits it, it’s as if it never happened. So, there’s something about her form of patience I envy, because there’s depth to it. Her stillness — embedded inside is trust, alignment, energy, and confidence.
And I want that, too.
You know, growing up an actress, you get rejected… a lot. It’s painful, and not for the faint of heart. After every audition, my mom would tell us, “Just submit it and forget it,” because well, what’s done is done and no use crying about it now, right? But between you and me, that’s something I could never bring myself to do. How could I forget about something I wanted?
Because I did. I wanted every audition, not because of the money, but because it meant I’d be wanted, and I wanted to be wanted. Sure, the money was cool, don’t get me wrong, I’ll admit it, but being the IT girl? The chosen one? That’s what I was going for. And despite me taking a break from acting, some things never change. I still find myself yearning to be wanted and I reckon that’s one of the reasons I’ve been trying so hard to be a supervisor at my job; I want responsibility, I want to be relied on, to be seen, for my voice to matter — to matter.
And I know I’m not alone in this, so when I think about my sister and how she practices stillness during the moments that usually elicit chaos — you know, that space between applying for something and actually getting it, the wait, that’s what leaves us restless, on edge, anxious, worried, and even sometimes sad — still, she remains still. And I can’t help but wonder if there’s something she knows that I don’t.
“So, what’s the secret?” I asked her.
Here’s what she said:
[The truth?] … I don’t ever think I can win them.
Very relatable, but unfortunately not the answer I was looking for.
“Then why do you put so much time into something you’re an underdog for?” I asked.
I suppose I hope, just a tiny bit, that if no one enters, I can win.
Quite an interesting strategy, I thought.
“Well, how many have you won?”
I’ve applied for 8, and I’ve won 4.
Gasp. By just putting herself out there, not expecting to win, she’s managed to have a 1:1 ratio. A 50% chance at victory. And of course, I realize that’s not necessarily a mind-blowing response, but if you look a little closer, you can start to see the type of depth I’ve been talking about.
The way I interpret her thought-process when applying for these scholarships is that the point is not to win, but to have evidence that she exists.
You see, the way I see it, my sister willingly steps into the House of Life simply because the door is open. She sees a room, she walks in; leaves her ID so people know she was there, whether or not they were paying attention, though she’s proven that 50% of the time, it appears they do. No expectations, no strings attached, does she want the scholarship, sure, but no pressure. She just wants her name to appear on the roster; she likes to write and needs someone to read. She doesn’t wait for an invitation; she takes the liberty.
Within her stillness is the trust that being present is enough. And like I said before, half of the time, clearly, it is. She shows up, and if you ask her why, she’d give you the same response George Mallory gave the reporter who asked him why he climbs Mt. Everest,
“Because it’s there.”
Because she can.
So, something I take away from this is the lesson that I need to start embracing the space in between the start of the race and the finish; the wait.
I’ve applied for this S.I.T. (supervisor in training) program at my job four different times, and all I’ve cared about has been getting the role when really, what I should be caring about is what I receive while I’m in the room for the interview.
Evidence of my existence.
Yeah, I want it, but how often am I actually acknowledging the fact that I keep being brave enough to try and get it? It’s the trying part that needs attention, because it’s daunting, and it’s terrifying — enough to keep most people from trying at all. 8 billion people in the world, and how many actually summit Mt. Everest? How many people actually try? How many actually apply to scholarships, or supervisor roles? Yes, there is so much in this world that is over-saturated and competitive, but if you have nothing else, have stamina, because so many people give up right before it’s their time.
So, wait for your time. Apply with the hope that if no one else enters, you can win. Climb the mountain simply because it’s there.
Because you’re here, and you exist.
Be still and focus on familiarizing yourself with each step as you take it, because life is so long and I promise you if a step represents waiting, you’ll be seeing that step, A LOT.
Get comfortable with waiting, because once your name finally gets called, the taste is so sweet, and all will have been worth it.
Oh, and by the way,
I finally got into the S.I.T. program — proof that even when the House of Life locks a door, the art of waiting holds the key.
What’s something you’re waiting for?
Up next on the blog, The Curated DropReports to wrap up Jöön.
“Do not save what is left after spending; instead, spend what is left after saving.” — Warren Buffet
Eight-hundred and twenty-one dollars. That’s how much my husband and I spent on groceries with our first paycheck of the month, combined. And if your jaw dropped while reading that sentence, trust me when I tell you mine did while writing it. I can’t believe it. Eight-hundred and twenty-one dollars? I have to spell it out for the dramatics of course, but I genuinely can’t believe this reality, especially because we hardly splurged on anything. We mainly covered the basics and replenished the essentials; meats, fruits, veggies, and juices like coconut water, fairlife, celsius, and kombucha — and though I admit those types of products are considered high-ticket items, the fact remains the same: take out would neverdo me this dirty. I mean, not only do I spend more time at the store buying the food, but I also have to come home and make it, all while ensuring it tastes good too? No, the stakes are too high. I’ll say it again, take out would never do me this dirty.
My mind was blown.
And, based on the financial plan I’m following (the 50/30/20 rule), I’m rather embarrassed to say that my contribution only totaled out to be around $300. In my defense, though, my husband makes more than I do. Suffice to say, I had to get to the bottom of this, so I did some research and came to find out that the average family of 4 spends roughly 975-1,100 dollars on groceries per month. And just to be clear, that’s considered to be the lower end of the spectrum on the scale of spending.
Now, brb. Second paycheck just cleared and it’s time to head to the store.
$200, made out like a bandit, though my husband, not so much…. $350.
That makes the monthly total just under $1400 — and that’s considered to be the “moderate” side of the spectrum.
Sigh.
As much as I want to say the price alone is worth giving everything up, the reality is, I’ve never felt better eating at home. I also have to acknowledge that I’m not single anymore, so I can’t expect the cost to reflect as such. I’m married, I have a son, and my husband and I support a grandparent within the home, and everyone needs to eat.
So, with that said, this is only the beginning; the first month of many where my family will meet at the table with plates full of home-cooked meals instead of plastic bags filled with saturated-fat packed styrofoam containers.
The beauty of it all is that we tried. We started, and the more effort we put into this challenge, the greater the impact will be on our finances. I mean, just imagine what would happen if we started successfully meal-planning our weeks, we’d have grocery shopping down to a T. Something once seen as stressful would fail to cause any stress at all — and how amazing is it to have something worth changing, especially when that’d be the result?
I gotta tell you, it’s this newfound awareness that makes solving this obstacle so thrilling for me.
So, here’s the deal, we have ourselves a Rubik’s Cube. It’s all scrambled and mixed and it’s up to us to solve it. No problem. We’ll just have to keep tackling it month-by-month until, finally, all the colors align.
Back when I was acting, I read somewhere that if you judged a character, that character you simply could not play. And if we’re being honest, there were a lot of characters I judged; not because they embodied all the things I didn’t want to be, but because they embodied all the things I did. A lot of auditions I went on were for characters that were unapologetically themselves. Big, bold, honest. Honest in the way they walked and the style of clothes they wore. Honest about who they were and the person they’d come to be. They had all the qualities I wanted, but didn’t have, and it was that boldness I couldn’t fake. I couldn’t pretend to have it. I couldn’t sell it, so I couldn’t play it.
I listen to artists that have unconventional voices. I like rappers who sound funny. Tierra Whack in Dolly or Shower Song, Remi Wolf in Monte Carlo, Tyga in Hookah— I like them, because they are them. They’re big, bold, and honest. Their voices are raspy, their style is unique, and all they make me want to do is sing along and dance. But could I play them? Could I walk into a karaoke night and confidently sing their tune? No, no I don’t think so…
But I want to.
So, I need to stop letting my judgement keep me from playing the character. I need to step out and take a walk in their shoes. And so, about a week ago, I did. I went line-dancing with my sister, Bri. She had been wanting to go and despite me wanting to dance more, I’ll admit, I was skeptical. Line-dancing? I judged the character — but again, not because I thought it was stupid, but because I thought it was bold. I mean, to step out onto the dance floor and grapevine, jazz square, and toe-heel-tap, can you blame me for thinking it’s daunting?
Well, it turns out, those things would be the least of my problems. Half-way into one of the dances, the line-dance instructor tells us to quote-unquote “step, step, shake the booty.”
Horror. Pure and utter horror. No, I refuse. I will not, shall not, cannotdo this.
But the music plays anyway, and I’m paralyzed. All I can think about is the moment when we’re going to have to step, step, shake. And I refused, but it turned out I’d be the only one. I mean, he’d shake, she’d shake, everyone would shake-shake and there I was, an unshaken espresso.
The horror.
And though it may not have been as clear when I said it in the beginning, I hope you’ll understand me better now as I say it again, I should have popped the booty.
Because in all reality, why not? Why? Bee, come on, where are you? Stop thinking too much, be big, be bold, be honest.
Despite the minor setback, the night was perfect. I stepped out of my shoes and into a pair that needs breaking in, but I have no doubt come this time next year, these shoes will fit comfortably and have my imprint permanently embedded within its soles.
I felt lively, and rich.
And as I waited for the valet to return our car, my husband decided to go on a side quest to Somi Somi, a Korean dessert shop we love to go to when we’re in the city; it was right next door to the venue which happened to be a pleasant surprise and a perfect way to end the night.
Rich, I tell you, I felt rich.
As I was waiting, I got to indulge in the stillness of it all. The ending of my night and the beginning of others. The tipsy heads walking out and the question that always gets asked but rarely ever answered truthfully:
“Are you okay to drive, man?”
“Yeah, man, I’m cool.”
And they disappear into the night.
Emergency lights flashing, gears shifting, engines revving; the horn that screams, “you can go” and the other that says, “you’re going too slow!”, bad brakes, and the bell of the Bird; laughter and white noise chatter, and a taiyaki to come — a perfect, perfect, night.
And although I might not have given this character an Oscar-worthy performance, this was merely a cold read into what will soon be crowned as showtime.
So, come curtain call, I’ll be ready.
What is something you’re trying to do? And what’s keeping you from it?
“If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” — Dr. Robert H. Schuller
In the past, I would have said it’s been a bad week for me. I slept in more, dodged the gym, and allotted extra time for television; I wrote less, tracked less, and practically read little to nothing. However, Thomas Carlyle once said that a person with a clear purpose can make progress on even the roughest of roads while a person with no purpose at all will fail to make progress on even that which is smoothest. And I’d like to think that’s the difference between me in the past and me now: I have a clear purpose, I know what it is I want, so whether or not the road itself is clear, I will pave a way.
The fact is, I slept in more and skipped the gym because I felt a strain in my neck and decided to prioritize recovery. That said, I did manage to squeeze in a brief speed-run with a friend (we ran in 1-minute intervals for a total of 8 sets and spent five minutes warming up and cooling down); we also engaged in some deep-breathing and yoga work, and then later on during the week, I did set aside some time to practice throwing shots on the court. So, that’s not to say this week was a total bust — I did what I could and gave grace for the things I couldn’t.
I read less this week because the book I’m reading has a lot to do with my life in real time and I really wanted to take it slow in order to retain more. My food tracking has been lacking because I’ve been eating a lot of the same things and you can only have so many different angles of the same meal on your camera roll, you know? And lastly, I’ve been writing less for my blog this week because I’ve been writing more for my work.
As I’ve mentioned before in Jöön, Productivity & My Intention to Grow,one of things I’d like to focus on this year is seeking growth opportunities at my place of work. They have this program called the Supervisor in Training Program, but I’ll be referring to it as S.I.T. for short. I’ve applied to this program four different times and despite receiving rejection letters for the last three, I have a feeling in my bones that this time will be different. I went in for my interview prepared and brought along with me a document that stated all the progress I’ve made since the last S.I.T. Cohort that I believed set me apart from all the other candidates that applied this time around.
Suffice to say, they were impressed, and though I’d like to believe that means I’m in the clear, I’m not out of the gates yet. Tomorrow, the candidate will be selected, and Lord knows I’m praying that it’s me, but no matter the outcome, I’ll make lemonade with whatever lemons are given.
Bitter or sweet, I’ll keep going.
All of this to say, it’s not that I wasn’t intentional this week with my movement, or that I didn’t track because I was eating foods I was ashamed to admit; I didn’t skip the gym out of laziness or refused to read because I simply didn’t want to. I chose to recover from injury, retain what I was reading, and control the controllables like preparing for this interview.
Now, I’m not sure if any of you noticed, but I completely dodged justifying my television consumption and that’s because… well, I’ve got nothing.
And yet, instead of falling into the mindset that I’ve failed and allowing myself to dwell on the concept that there’s no coming back, I’ll merely hold myself accountable and move forward. This week took a turn onto a rough road with less pavement and more gravel, and still I managed to make progress. I may not have gone to the gym every day, but I still committed to being intentional when I could and recognized that the reason for my inconsistency was because I needed to listen to my body and prioritize rest to catalyze recovery. I may not have tracked all my food, but I remained devoted to eating at home and indulging in mindfully crafted meals. And I may not have posted as much this week as I wanted to, but my last post was thoughtfully created to the extent that I even stepped out of my comfort zone and recorded an audio version that I have every intention of implementing more into my blog in the posts to come.
How could I possibly say it’s been a bad week when I’ve made so much progress? In the past, I’ve needed all the stars to align in order to be able to do something. If I wanted to run, I needed the best shoes. If I wanted to record a podcast, I needed the best mic. If I wanted to wear a two-piece bathing suit, I needed the best bod. It’s exhausting, really, not to mention the inevitable burnout that’s soon to follow. It’s not the dream that holds us back, it’s the pressure.
I’m 25 years old and the question that haunts me most is, at what point in my life will I finally allow myself to say I want to do something and just… begin?
How much longer will I possibly have to wait?
And the answer is, no more.
Who knew the 20 lbs. I’d been dying to lose didn’t consist of actual fat on my body, but of pure pressure. And the crazy thing is, this week — compared to others — was practically uneventful. Oh, but on the contrary, I actually believe this week will impact all the others because it’s helped me realize I’m finally developing a greater understanding of sustainability when it comes to the way I live my life. It’s a domino effect.
Such a powerful epiphany, the acceptance of mess and nonlinear growth. It’s only been three weeks since I made the decision to cultivate a new style of living and already so much has changed. And since they say it takes 21 days to break a habit, I find myself rather confident enough to say my Tomiee Cruise era might not be such a distant dream after all.
No — it’s imminent and more tangible than ever before.
So, if there’s anything worth taking away, it’s that I no longer need the stars aligned for me to feel comfortable enough to begin. And the reality is, no one ever looks up at the night sky and thinks, oh my, look at this perfectly straight line of stars! No, we admire the mess of it all, the constellations, and the endless void of possibilities.
So, I’ll become the sky that welcomes the void of endless possibilities because then, and only then will I start to find peace in the journey, and less on the destination.
And that is a force worth reckoning with.
If it’s going to be, it’s up to me, and so it shall be done.
ALERT: This blog post is unlike any other I’ve released before. You can now tune in to listen HERE:
Now, back to your regular programming…
Every day is a Monday if that means I can start again.
When I was in the 6th grade, I thought that if I held in my stomach, no one would know I was fat. A fool-proof plan, really, except for the fact that no one told me that when you suck in your stomach, your chest pops out, your shoulders lift, and your neck is practically nowhere to be seen.
Now, if you’re shaking your head thinking that’s not the case, either I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time, or you’ve never felt guilt and insecurity deep enough to test the theory and if the latter one fits your bill, allow me to be the first to tell you….
You’re privileged. You, my friend, are PRIVILEGED — hear me out, I’m not poor sport, but you’re privileged. I said it.
Privileged.
Anyway, one day I was standing by my classroom, minding my own business mind you, when the coolest kid on the block was about to pass by. Now, this was during a purely innocent time in my life when you just had to like the coolest kid in school. That was the way. There was only one way, and that was it. He was cool, and I liked him. Where do you think they get that idea for the movies from, huh? Us. Kids like me. Truly, there’s nothing new under the sun. He was the Gotta Love It from Cold Stone’s, and I was ready to eat. Saw my prey, knew what I wanted, and the mission was clear — it was stomach sucking time.
And with my shoulders up, chest puffed, and neck on vacation, I was ready. Now, I say this laughingly because at the time, I literally had no idea any of this was happening to me. I genuinely thought I was the skinniest girl around and skinny equaled cool, so in my mind, this kid and I were in the same league. Little did I know though, I was about to get the roast of a lifetime that never ceases to amaze me whenever it pops back up in my day-to-day world.
And the funny thing is, I don’t even remember that much about the kid…other than his tight curls of course, his golden-brown skin, a jawline that could cut paper, hazel eyes, pretty sure his name started with a T… Tyler? Ty? I don’t know, something cool. Doesn’t matter, in five seconds, he’ll be within my reach and I could have sworn it would be the meet-cute we’d be telling our kids someday. I was about to get some heavy screen time on this one.
But my role ended up being a part of a comedy film rather than a romance.
Now, the kid had a posse with him at all times. Typical, really, but I didn’t mind witnesses to such a beautiful scene.
He’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming!
My skinny body never felt so confident. And just like that, we lock eyes, he stops, and I’ll never forget the immortal string of words that left his mouth that day.
“Dude, you look buff.”
And he walks away, his posse laughing in the background.
OK. I’m just going to say it. Buff me had no idea what buff meant, but I’d later find out and Ty, if you’re reading this, I’m just going to say one thing.
Buff looks damn good on me now.
The truth is, weight has always been a problem for me, I’ve always been led to believe it’s more about the look than it is the performance. However, and this has always been a shameful truth of mine, I’ve always leaned more towards the performance, which is why I never know when to be satisfied with the look. If you were to tell me I need to lose weight, I’d feel pressured enough to lose it, sure, but I wouldn’t know how much to lose because you’re the person I’m trying to satisfy; I’ll keep losing until someone tells me to stop and that’s the problem. You see, I don’t know how I should look because I don’t stand in the mirror everyday obsessing over every detail of my face or my body. No, I change according to the people who actually interact with me because they’re the ones who have to deal with my appearance.
I don’t suppose you’d call that selfless, now would you?
I digress. I’ve always wanted to do strong things, hard things, but I struggle with this constant need to get confirmation from others that I look good. I can’t tell… and I am heavily convinced I don’t know how.
But that’s why this part of Jöön matters. So, here’s my strategy — not a perfect plan, but a working one. When we think about tackling our weight, I’m sure it’s a shared perspective that the plan is, ultimately, to lose it, but I have a different idea that requires an unconventional approach. I am going to commit to finding peace with my reflection in order to put my undivided attention towards my performance, my stamina, and my range of ability in the things that I can do.
Now, that’s not to say, I don’t care if I look good, but I want to attempt to put away my constant need for affirmation from others because the truth of the matter is taste is not a one-size-fits-all.
I like short hair. I like to live in baggy clothes and new balances. I like to wear boy shorts to bed and one-piece swimsuits to the pool. I don’t wear make-up because I don’t know how to blend it or even how to tell which formula fits my skin. I’m too afraid to wear anything other than sports bras because I don’t like the bulge it leaves in my shirts. I don’t wear skirts or short dresses because I have bruises all over my legs from lifting cars and changing tires every day at work. And I don’t like to leave the house with sandals because I hate the way my feet look in them. I have callouses from poor-fitting shoes and my cuticles are unforgiving in how they showcase my neglect.
I’m a monster, I’m a monster, I’m a monster. The thought plays over again in my mind. It’s the little things I can’t escape, like the concept of being a woman.
Boys don’t like girls who look like boys, so grow your hair and don’t bite your nails.
Eat small to keep your girly figure, men don’t like it when we let ourselves go, and wear clothes that are uncomfortable if it means they’ll think you’re pretty.
Use make-up to hide the acne because everyone likes a clear face.
And be fragile, men like a damsel in distress; to protect, provide for, and conquer. Men want to feel needed, so step down from your high-horse of independence and learn to rely on them for the things that matter.
I’m conflicted and it all stems from the trauma I’ve accrued as a child.
I wear baggy clothes because I don’t like to have anything worth staring at. I have a fear of being judged, so I like to wear shades to avoid eye-contact. I like short hair because I’m an athlete with a real hatred for blow drying something that’s going to get sweaty anyway. I don’t like things that take a long time when it comes to how I look because I care more about the things that I’m planning to do.
I’m a monster, I’m a monster, I’m a monster.
But if being a monster means choosing sweat over stillness, breath over beauty, and boldness over blending in — then maybe I’ve been misunderstood all along.
Maybe I’m not the kind of monster I’ve always been led to believe I am, maybe I’m just the kind of woman no one’s ever planned for. Maybe it’s time I redefined femininity in order to stop seeing my body as a roadblock and more of a source for strength and resilience. A foundation stable enough to build on, one that will welcome growth at every stage, unapologetically.
I’m tired of adjusting myself for the mirror when all I really want is to adjust how far I can run, how long I can swim for, dance for, or play basketball for. So now, I’m choosing a new goal: to train not for how I look, but for how I live. And that shift — that mindset — needs more than just a mantra. It needs steps. Real, actionable ones.
So, here’s my plan:
I’m going to separate the mirror from the mission — I will continue to commit to good hygiene, but I will relieve myself from the stress that comes from appealing to others. That means no more wearing makeup just to hide my acne, squeezing into clothes I wish would fit instead of rocking the ones that do, or letting other people’s distaste in my style sway me from embracing who I am or want to be. I know that if I were to write down my appearance goals versus my performance goals, the contrast would be obvious: most of my appearance goals would be rooted in how I want others to view me, while my performance goals would actually be about how I want to view myself. So, I’ll just drop the appearance goals entirely because if the clothes fit and my shoes get me from point A to point B, then it ain’t broke, so I won’t fix it.
I’m going to define performance on my own terms, so here are three goals I’d like to work on:
I want to run a half-marathon. Preferably without stopping, but if I end up running more miles than I walk, I’ll be happy. Therefore, I need to build my stamina, my endurance, and my discipline.
I want to be able to play at least three rounds of basketball straight with my friends. I give defense my all and it often puts me out after round 2, so I’d like to build up my stamina to three games, then four, and so on.
I want to eat nutrient-balanced meals. Eating better will help me improve my running, as well as my game, not to mention how I tackle the rest of the day in between. I’m already seeing the results of healthier eating since I’ve started my shopping ban, which includes no take-out (unless on vacation or spontaneous adventures because memories over macros), so it’s only a matter of time before I achieve my other two goals. But of course, consistency matters, so I consider this one a long-term goal, just as the others.
I will pursue healthy habits that will aid in my recovery and my everyday life — Referring back to what I’ve mentioned before in Jöön, Chapter Two, I will focus on intentional movement, food journaling, my water intake, and my sleeping habits.
All of this to say, I used to suck in my stomach, hoping to become less. Now, I embrace myself with the hope of becoming more. This isn’t just about weight anymore— it’s about life and finally setting aside the distractions that have kept me from living it. And a part of me has always known the truth, just as I’ve mentioned we all so often do. I’ve just been waiting for that part of me—the part that wants it enough—to finally wake up and decide that my dreams are worth fighting for.
That they’re worth trying for.
And I’m happy to report that that part of me is up, and that part of me is ready.
So, let’s begin.
What about YOU? What’s in YOUR mirror?
Think about it.
Thank you all for reading, and for those of you that listened,
Thank you so much for being here and allowing me to process my mind,
Truth be told, at the moment I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to begin this blog post because I genuinely don’t know what I want out of it. I know I want to be productive, but how can I tell when I’m actually being productive or if I’m just being busy?
What’s my why? What do I want? What is it that I’m looking for?
In asking these questions, I’ve compiled a list of the things I’d like to do with my time and ideally by the time Mei comes back around next year, I will have achieved at least… some of them.
And I know what you’re thinking, that just by using the word some implies I’m already playing it safe so that at the end of the day I can say at least I tried, but I mean, shouldn’t I try to be realistic? Or is that sentence alone setting me up for failure? I’ll admit, I’m afraid of daring to dream because on one hand, I know myself and how lazy I can be, but on the other, I know I have the potential and the will to experience life in a more deliberate way; plus, with 365 days a year, 24 hours per day, how could that possibly not be enough time to attempt all the things I’d like to see through? So I asked myself, what would Tomiee Cruise do?
And I guess there’s only one true way to handle this situation… tap into that reward system!
Insert a mischievous smirk.
“By completing this project, I’ll give myself permission to…” *Insert a celebratory dinner, or maybe something from my wish list (but it has to be useful, something I’ll actually use — something that represents me —and aid in one of my four target categories that I’m looking to enhance this year on the blog).
or
“If I see this through, I’ll reward myself with…”
*Insert a trip… to Italy* Ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming.
What, too childish? For what it’s worth, I promise to make the prizes both obtainable and well-earned. That said, I should probably compile a whole thought-out victory blueprint so on the off chance I actually do succeed in whatever it is I’m tackling, I’ll know exactly what comes next and how to celebrate. Take the trip to Italy, for instance. How long should I stay? When will I go? Once I touchdown, what will I do? I’ll need a whole itinerary mapped out—one that makes the journey feel just as intentional as the destination—because a victory that big deserves a celebration just as grand. Of course, at the end of the day, the goal itself is already worth the fight. I just need a little extra push to step beyond the comfort of complacency and into the version of myself I know I’m fully capable of becoming.
I mean it though about that trip to Italy; Eliseo, husband, are you listening? Of course, this reward would only be assigned to the most difficult, most unlikely task to ever be completed or kept up with. Can anyone guess what that task could possibly be?
Okay, pause. For the record, if you manage to get this answer right, it’s only because you truly know me and if so, I both hate you and love you. Because the truth isn’t pretty and I rarely finish what I start.
So, the answer to the question is… this blog.
This idea. This concept of a dream. This real-time account of growth and change. This untainted, untouched, unaltered version of myself I hope to emerge out from underneath the shadows.
It’s scary and the stakes are high. But if I manage to stay true to this blog and consistently post (at least 2x/week) for a YEAR – all while being intentional in all categories that make up this blog (weight, stimulation, productivity, and finance); i.e. the shopping ban, developing real saving habits, the cultivation of a better community that both nurtures and stimulates me, and the maintenance of healthier habits – including daily activity and mindful food choices .
The problem is there’s so much I want to do and despite me just starting out, I already feel so deeply behind. It’s hard for me to believe I’ll be able to manage getting all these things done, but I think that’s what makes using the reward system so endearing. Because at the end of it all, though I hope it won’t actually be the end, not only will I have improved my life in such a significant way, but I’ll get to celebrate by stepping outside of the country for the very first time!
Sounds Tomiee Cruise to me. Bup-bup-bup — Tomiee Cruise.
Tomiee Cruise.
So here they are: my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations.
Little things that would genuinely make me happy to do:
I want to dance again, and I especially want to learn the choreography to the scene in Better Man that absolutely EXPLODES to the song, Rock DJ. However, if I manage to get out at least once a month and strut my stuff, I’m sure that would suffice.
I want to score a position in the Supervisor in Training program (SIT) at my work. I feel like once I do that, opportunities will start coming at me every which way and I’ll finally get to be involved in the way we raise our next generation leaders.
I want to learn the ASL version of a song I really like — the song Feel, from Better Man. In case you haven’t guessed it already, I really, really like the movie Better Man.
I want to post consistently on this blog (say, 2-3 times a week), sharing insight into my shopping ban, my savings venture, my commitment to a more energized and mindful lifestyle, and my pursuit of a community that regularly stimulates and supports me. This is easily going to be the most challenging for me as I’ve mentioned before, but I truly believe it’ll serve to be the most beneficial.
I would like to be more intentional with the way I speak Spanish; I’m tired of learning it, I just want to speak it already, but I know there’s more work to be done on my end in order to live that reality, so here’s to hoping I can commit to practicing and studying more regularly.
I want to improve my vocals for the purpose of sharing my music. I can hear the voice of my soul telling me to get out more, but I’ve never been confident in my ability to sing. I know everyone has an audience and mine is out there, just waiting for me to get over this hurdle and step outside my comfort zone. So, I think I’d like to look into getting vocal lessons — just like the way Tom Cruise did for his film, Rock of Ages… Oh, Tommy. Swoon.
Then, I want to gather the courage to perform at a karaoke night, open mic night, or perhaps even a poetry night. And of course, if I like it, I would like to implement these events more regularly into my life (doesn’t have to be daily, maybe not even weekly, but oftenenough to where I can say, “Yeah! I do that.”). I want to be part of the scene.
I want to go on more hikes that include the green side of nature and at the same time, I’d like to practice the art of stillness. I want to acknowledge everything within arm’s reach and that takes time; I want to breathe in the air, feel its molecules enter my lungs and stare at the little details in the trees, the rocks, and the water. I want to just, be.
I want to travel more, and I’d like to find more opportunities to be independent because therein lies self-discovery and I’d like to make it a point to know who I am.
And lastly — for now — I want to run a half-marathon. I always pride myself on my stamina, but I’ve never ran for that long before. So, before this first year on the blog is up, I will.
Personal Check-In: What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy?
God knows I could keep going. In fact, something I’ve been struggling with this week is the balance between starting up the brain and turning it off; like I said earlier, I’m already overwhelmed with all the avenues and rabbit holes I’ve allowed myself to go down and fall into throughout the making of this blog. So much to do, but how to do it? What to tackle first and for how long. Should I set dates? How do I manage it all?
Questions I still don’t know all the answers to, but here’s how I’ve been starting.
Road Map to Productivity:
The Forest App: Focus for Productivity. An app that allows you to stay focused with a forest-growing take on the Pomodoro Technique (a practice of breaking work down into 25-minute intervals). This app keeps me off my phone and challenges me to remain consistent with my work.
Routine, and a Daily Tracker Checklist — A typical day for me now looks like this:
Wake up at 6 a.m. and prepare my son to go to school and I to the gym.
Gym, 30 minutes minimum. Some days, basketball, others running, perhaps one day a class, but on average, I tend to spend an hour participating in activity.
Home, shower, eat, breathe.
1-2 hours of intentional blogging, content creation, or reading
Work (≈6-8 hrs)
Home, shower, eat
Tuck my son into bed
1-2 hours of intentional activity: reading, blogging, content creation
Bed by 10 p.m.
This routine has been essential for me as I take a major step back from being overly consumed by television. However, here are some tactics I will be utilizing going forward, along with the strategies I’ve been implementing so far.
1. Use the “Core Four” Method(Body, Mind, Heart, Pocket) I’ll ask myself things like:
What can I do today that supports my health (Body)? What will challenge or stimulate my thoughts (Mind)? How can I build stronger relationships (Heart)? What helps me secure my future (Pocket)?
2. Create Non-Negotiables
Choose 1 thing per category each week to commit to doing no matter what. Everything else is flexible.
For example:
Body
Go to the gym 5x/week minimum
Mind
Read 10-20 pages of a book daily
Heart
Call one friend or go to a social event
Pocket
Continue shopping ban
Everything else I do in those areas can be flexible or spontaneous, but those four actions will act as my anchors — keeping me grounded and steadily moving forward in the right direction.
3. Track What Moves Me Forward
If it’s not leading toward my growth, aka the list of aspirations I composed earlier in this post, I need to ask myself why it’s on my plate. This will keep me accountable and ensure I’m being productive and not just ‘busy’.
So that’s where I’m starting. Not with perfection, but with purpose. This blog isn’t just a place for me to track my progress — it’s a safe space where I’ll get to process all the avenues embedded in my mind, to push myself, and to play. I’m not expecting every goal to be met right away, but I am committing to showing up, documenting the growth, the grind, and everything else in-between. If you’re reading this, maybe you’re on a similar journey — or maybe you’re just curious. Either way, thanks for being here.
Here’s to showing up, starting messy, and seeing it through. — B.
“Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl.” — This Means War, 2012
Movies often tell us to make a pros and cons list when picking a partner, but what about making that list when it comes to picking our friends? It seems like a lot of people going through similar growth journeys end up coming to the same realization — people you choose to spend your time with can directly affect the nature of your environment.
If we’re looking for a space free from toxicity, then why do we often hang around the people who constantly nit-pick and judge others? At what point do we check-in with ourselves and evaluate such a prominent and ground-breaking question, how do our friends truly make us feel?What do they leave us with, when all is said and done? A feeling of peace and serenity? Or a taste no matter how much you brush your teeth right after, you can’t get rid of?
I get the feeling of not wanting to be alone, but why is it such a common tendency for us to want to be in the midst of a crowd yet allow ourselves to feel so lonely? Why do we constantly endure such a strange reality? I mean, how could we let this feeling become so popular? Surely, being alone can’t be that bad, right? Well, at the end of the day, I’d vouch to say it all just depends on where a person is at in their particular stage of life, but maybe that’s what makes the epiphany to change so sweet.
We all know hanging around the right people would make us feel better, but we ignore that fact until one day it just…hits. It becomes so clear and taking that first step back from the people who no longer serve us becomes a little easier. But having that initial pros and cons list is what helps us realize our ideal environment and what our needs are in any nurturing relationship.
However, no village can thrive if the road only runs one way — it takes two. So, something I’m learning as I write is to put my words into action and hold myself accountable to the same standard. Sure, research is nice and having what seems to be all the answers to my lingering questions is nicer, but what does it actually do for my life if I’m not implementing them?
Therefore, I’ve already expressed my desire for better friendships, but in doing research on what makes a good friend, I realized that as much as I point the finger on what my own friend group lacks, what am I actually doing to be a better friend myself? For instance, if I were to be confronted by one of my friends who thought I was being inconsiderate due to the audacity I’d have to describe them as lacking in drive or ambition and they were to ask me what I’m personally doing to be considered as driven or ambitious, what would I say as my answer? What am I actually doing? How can I feed and nourish my friends the same way I would like to be fed and nourished? Am I living by example? Am I leading by example? Am I encouraging them to be real go-getters and try new things? Am I showing up and being consistent when they need me to? How many calls have I allowed to go to voicemail? How many “I’m okay’s” have I let slide? Do I make my friends feel safe? Can they take a deep breath and exhale comfortably around me? What am I actually doing for them?
My head is spinning. The concept that I’m not meeting the standard makes me toss and turn in my sleep. Why haven’t I ever asked these questions before? And how can I checkmark all the boxes going forward? Why all of a sudden does it feel like I’ve only been thinking about myself?
Well, there’s only one thing left to do:
Take accountability.
And just like that, my goal to cultivate stimulating relationships just became a two-way street.
How to Be a Good Friend
Listen — Who knew? No, but really, how? With the intention to understand, that’s how, not just to reply. What are they saying? What does this conversation mean to them? What are they looking for, advice, validation, or just an ear? Be present.
Hold Space Without Judgement — Allow your friends to be messy, allow them to be unsure or unsettled; allow them to be complicated while still being loved. Give them the space to breathe, make them feel comforted. Love despite convenience. This builds an invaluable form of trust no money can buy.
Be Consistent — Be intentional in conversations, follow through on promises and always keep your word. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Put Time into the Details — Remember their birthdays, the things they’re passionate about, and important dates they’re looking forward to. Things they’d be caught off guard if you remembered because they said it in such a whisper they didn’t think anybody could hear. Be the difference between an acquaintance and a family member.
But of course, I can’t just speak for myself, so I went out and actually spoke with some of the people in my village about what they wanted in a nurturing relationship.
Here’s what they said:
1.
I think I need someone who checks-in and asks to hang out as much as I do—makes me feel wanted and thought of. People with manners (considerate of others/social awareness) and intelligence really, those who are passionate about things and motivated to learn more or be surrounded by it.
2.
“Mostly an understanding of my autism, my health, and similar expectations in how we show up for each other… [But the reality is]…it depends. I think it’s fair to say that different members of your village have different roles. [In relation to my partner], he shows up for me by leading me to better, holding me up when I’m down, and sharing endless laughter. We communicate all day long through texts, Instagram memes, or phone calls and that’s how I prefer it at the moment. I’m sure that’ll change eventually but that’s what’s comfortable now.
I can’t lie and say I don’t expect unconditional love from my siblings but that’s just the kind of relationship we’ve fostered over the years. No matter how crazy I get and how dumb I can be, they’re always there for me and I never want that to go away. We talk pretty often about the smallest dumbest things, but we also ghost each other. We definitely don’t go more than a day without some kind of communication or interaction, though. I don’t see how we could.
From you, my expectations are a little different compared to some of my other friends. You have a lot on your plate dealing with a job and a family, and I know that the weight of your trauma carries on you pretty heavily; because of this, I don’t flinch when you don’t text me back or when you cancel our plans. It’s just how it is, and I don’t mind it. As long as I know you’re alive and well, that’s what matters most to me. However, if we start to hangout less than once every two months, I would definitely be sad bwahahahaha. I’m just glad that now we’re hanging out less with a group and it’s just us these days.
But from my other friends that carry less stress, I definitely get on them a little bit more when they ghost or cancel but that’s because I know they can handle it and they think it’s funny when I’m “jealous” lol.”
3.
Reliability. Like, “Hey, I’m here for you, you’re here for me.” And obviously they need to engage, emotionally, you know? Knowing that person is there for me when I need it and we can have fun together… Not to mention the feeling that they would drop everything they’re doing just to support me; like I have a friend who told me that if I started a business, he’d be all in – like even if my business was throwing money away, he’d be all in. That feeling of unwavering support. That’s what being a good friend means to me.
4.
I personally love a friend that can call me out on actions that upset them while still understanding I’m human and encourage me to be my best self.
Someone who’s quick to listen and slow to speak, when it’s needed. And someone who shows they care about me in actions rather than in words or things; even if it’s 2 am [— doesn’t matter], I know they will show up if I need them. Someone who would get out of bed for me if it’s an emergency.
Essentially, what I need in a friend is someone who tells me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear, with love and respect always, of course. Someone who is honest, regardless of the outcome of honesty.
Someone who cares about the people I love, and that I can spend all day with, without feeling the need to always give 100% of my energy to. Someone that can just be, while I be, too.
5.
Honestly, this. Presence. Doesn’t even have to be in person – just knowing that after everything is said and done, we’re still here. There’s a sense of security in that and that’s pretty nice.
6.
It varies on the person, honestly. Enjoying their company is a huuuuuge part but making sure they compliment your company is more important to me personally.
Some people physically can’t be there when you need them to. Not because they don’t want to, though. But if I call, and you are available, and I ask for a moment of your time because I’m not doing too hot, [my expectation is that] you’re there for me.
I guess overall if you’re reliable in all aspects of my life, [then I know the friendship is good].
And though each response presented a well thought-out answer as to how I could better my approach at friendship, I wondered how I could track my progress in order to be certain I’m making a dent in becoming the kind of friend they need me to be.
Here’s how:
Journaling — This might be an autistic solution of mine but by keeping a small log of the times I’ve reached out to check in on a friend or the times I’ve showed up for them both physically and emotionally when it mattered the most, I can safely make the assumption that I am doing the work needed to show up for the people I care about.
Self-reflection — By taking a moment, whether it be after interacting with my friends or after a particular encounter, I can do a personal check-in and ask myself the following questions: Did I do what I said I would do for them? Was I being present in our conversations or was I distracted or on my phone? Was there a balance between us talking about each other’s lives or did I mainly carry the conversation by making it about myself?
Invite Feedback — Invite vulnerability. By asking if I’m showing up in the way they’re needing me to, I can reach a better understanding of where I’m at on the scale. Being a friend and having a friend are two different things. The same way I want the people in my corner to show up for me, the expectation is that I’m returning the favor; the truth is, everyone needs someone they can rely on.
After making the decision to cultivate a community in which I’d be emotionally nurtured and mentally stimulated, I realized that it wasn’t just good friends that I was wanted — I want to be a good friend, because that’s what makes a village.
And so, I’ll take the wheel; hold myself accountable and take the steps necessary to be the friend my friends deserve. It’s easy to want better relationships, but the real work begins when we ask ourselves how we show up, how we listen, and how we create space for others to be seen and supported. Because at the end of the day, community begins with us.
So, I invite you to reflect on your own village. In what ways could you be a better friend to those around you? And how do you create a safe space for your friends to be themselves?
The Processing Mind 