“If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.”
— Dr. Robert H. Schuller

In the past, I would have said it’s been a bad week for me. I slept in more, dodged the gym, and allotted extra time for television; I wrote less, tracked less, and practically read little to nothing. However, Thomas Carlyle once said that a person with a clear purpose can make progress on even the roughest of roads while a person with no purpose at all will fail to make progress on even that which is smoothest. And I’d like to think that’s the difference between me in the past and me now: I have a clear purpose, I know what it is I want, so whether or not the road itself is clear, I will pave a way.

The fact is, I slept in more and skipped the gym because I felt a strain in my neck and decided to prioritize recovery. That said, I did manage to squeeze in a brief speed-run with a friend (we ran in 1-minute intervals for a total of 8 sets and spent five minutes warming up and cooling down); we also engaged in some deep-breathing and yoga work, and then later on during the week, I did set aside some time to practice throwing shots on the court. So, that’s not to say this week was a total bust — I did what I could and gave grace for the things I couldn’t.

I read less this week because the book I’m reading has a lot to do with my life in real time and I really wanted to take it slow in order to retain more. My food tracking has been lacking because I’ve been eating a lot of the same things and you can only have so many different angles of the same meal on your camera roll, you know? And lastly, I’ve been writing less for my blog this week because I’ve been writing more for my work.

As I’ve mentioned before in Jöön, Productivity & My Intention to Grow, one of things I’d like to focus on this year is seeking growth opportunities at my place of work. They have this program called the Supervisor in Training Program, but I’ll be referring to it as S.I.T. for short. I’ve applied to this program four different times and despite receiving rejection letters for the last three, I have a feeling in my bones that this time will be different. I went in for my interview prepared and brought along with me a document that stated all the progress I’ve made since the last S.I.T. Cohort that I believed set me apart from all the other candidates that applied this time around. 

Suffice to say, they were impressed, and though I’d like to believe that means I’m in the clear, I’m not out of the gates yet. Tomorrow, the candidate will be selected, and Lord knows I’m praying that it’s me, but no matter the outcome, I’ll make lemonade with whatever lemons are given. 

Bitter or sweet, I’ll keep going.

All of this to say, it’s not that I wasn’t intentional this week with my movement, or that I didn’t track because I was eating foods I was ashamed to admit; I didn’t skip the gym out of laziness or refused to read because I simply didn’t want to. I chose to recover from injury, retain what I was reading, and control the controllables like preparing for this interview. 

Now, I’m not sure if any of you noticed, but I completely dodged justifying my television consumption and that’s because… well, I’ve got nothing. 

And yet, instead of falling into the mindset that I’ve failed and allowing myself to dwell on the concept that there’s no coming back, I’ll merely hold myself accountable and move forward. This week took a turn onto a rough road with less pavement and more gravel, and still I managed to make progress. I may not have gone to the gym every day, but I still committed to being intentional when I could and recognized that the reason for my inconsistency was because I needed to listen to my body and prioritize rest to catalyze recovery. I may not have tracked all my food, but I remained devoted to eating at home and indulging in mindfully crafted meals. And I may not have posted as much this week as I wanted to, but my last post was thoughtfully created to the extent that I even stepped out of my comfort zone and recorded an audio version that I have every intention of implementing more into my blog in the posts to come. 

How could I possibly say it’s been a bad week when I’ve made so much progress? In the past, I’ve needed all the stars to align in order to be able to do something. If I wanted to run, I needed the best shoes. If I wanted to record a podcast, I needed the best mic. If I wanted to wear a two-piece bathing suit, I needed the best bod. It’s exhausting, really, not to mention the inevitable burnout that’s soon to follow. It’s not the dream that holds us back, it’s the pressure.

I’m 25 years old and the question that haunts me most is, at what point in my life will I finally allow myself to say I want to do something and just… begin? 

How much longer will I possibly have to wait? 

And the answer is, no more. 

Who knew the 20 lbs. I’d been dying to lose didn’t consist of actual fat on my body, but of pure pressure. And the crazy thing is, this week — compared to others — was practically uneventful. Oh, but on the contrary, I actually believe this week will impact all the others because it’s helped me realize I’m finally developing a greater understanding of sustainability when it comes to the way I live my life. It’s a domino effect.

Such a powerful epiphany, the acceptance of mess and nonlinear growth. It’s only been three weeks since I made the decision to cultivate a new style of living and already so much has changed. And since they say it takes 21 days to break a habit, I find myself rather confident enough to say my Tomiee Cruise era might not be such a distant dream after all.

No — it’s imminent and more tangible than ever before. 

So, if there’s anything worth taking away, it’s that I no longer need the stars aligned for me to feel comfortable enough to begin. And the reality is, no one ever looks up at the night sky and thinks, oh my, look at this perfectly straight line of stars! No, we admire the mess of it all, the constellations, and the endless void of possibilities.

So, I’ll become the sky that welcomes the void of endless possibilities because then, and only then will I start to find peace in the journey, and less on the destination.

And that is a force worth reckoning with.

If it’s going to be, it’s up to me, and so it shall be done.

B.